If they can put a man on the stage who sings country and western music, why can't they just plop a new car down in my driveway? Why do I have to suffer through spending hours trying to find the title for my "old" car, only to fail, and then having to negotiate a champion obstacle course to get a replacement title? Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
These are questions best left to progressive thinkers, like Temple Grandin or Lewis Black. If you flutter through life by the seat of your shorts, you not only have to take it one day at a time, you have to take it one moment at a time, like a butterfly. A butterfly never thinks more than a moment ahead. A butterfly smells a flower. A butterfly flutters to the flower. Simple.
I say, "Sure, I have my title at home. I'll just go get it." I flutter home and ten hours later, I still can't find the flower. But it has to be there. Flowers don't grow legs and walk away. Flowers stay where you put them.
This is why I believe in the theory that multiple universes, perhaps billions, exist simultaneously. My title is still there, right where I left it two years ago, somewhere embedded in the stack old electric bills that should have been discarded with the mustard from 2006 that I found in the refrigerator. But it's still there! It's just in a different universe!
Some people flit from one universe to another, smelling and fluttering to the next flower. It might be a crazy life, but it's my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Every problem has a solution or it wouldn't be a problem. That's what defines a problem. If it didn't have a solution, it would be classified as a catastrophe. Losing my title in this universe is a problem. I just have to deal with the previous lien holder sending me a copy of bla bla bla and go to Motor Vehicles and get a bla bla bla and then take it to the dealer and bla bla bla. That's a little higher on the scale than an inconvenience, which only has two bla's. An irritant only has one.
So we go sequentially up the scale from irritant > problem > catastrophe. The problem category has the benefit of having a positive, or bright side. Whenever you're faced with a problem, just think "Bright Side," and it will come to you. The following are a few bright side points I encountered:
I found my favorite fingernail clippers. I found the dog nail clippers and I found the receipt for the piano so the daughter can prove how much I paid for it if she ever wants to sell it. Oh, I also found the registration and insurance card for the old car. That went a long way in healthy relations with the Motor Vehicle Department and starting the process of getting a replacement title.
And now, we're on to the next moment, where I believe in a universe long ago and far way, I detect the sweet aroma of magnolias.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Pie is Good...Phyllis
Yesterday, Sue went to ‘just look’ at new cars and drove home in one. This morning she had to go back to the dealer to finish up some paperwork and I got my first ride in it. On the radio, there was a story on NPR about the Mag Instrument Company who makes the Maglite flashlights. Did you know they do all their manufacturing right in California? The only things they outsource overseas are the tiny bulbs they use in the mini Maglites. It is amazing and wonderful to me that these are fully manufactured right here. Or rather, over there…in California. There are a few other interesting things about these Maglites, also:
1. The owner of the company is about 80 years old and still shows up for work before the sun comes up.
2. People collect them. There are certain colors and sizes that are more rare than others.
3. There is a hack for the mini flashlight. You can remove the laser diode from a dvd player and install it into the flashlight. It becomes a very powerful laser. You can light a match with it, pop a balloon, burn a hole in your cat’s skull.
Another thing I learned this week is that Pee Wee Herman is writing a blog now for Huffington Post. I think he writes for the Entertainment section. His first post was about Dancing with the Stars, specifically the episode that Bristol Palin was on. He said, and I paraphrase rather than quote because I’m too lazy to go look it up, that the last time he saw Alaskan legs like that, he was dipping them in butter at Red Lobster. That’s my Pee Wee! I’ve missed him. He did something bad, I don’t remember what. As long as it didn’t involve children, I’m glad to have him back.
There was one more thing I wanted to write about, but I can’t remember what it was. It was something real interesting. It was going to be my last paragraph because it was even more interesting than these first two paragraphs and I was saving it for last. Now, I’m searching and coming up with nothing. This is embarrassing. I’m all flustered now. I…I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to get out of here with my dignity intact. There’s only one thought that keeps popping into my head: Pie is good.
1. The owner of the company is about 80 years old and still shows up for work before the sun comes up.
2. People collect them. There are certain colors and sizes that are more rare than others.
3. There is a hack for the mini flashlight. You can remove the laser diode from a dvd player and install it into the flashlight. It becomes a very powerful laser. You can light a match with it, pop a balloon, burn a hole in your cat’s skull.
Another thing I learned this week is that Pee Wee Herman is writing a blog now for Huffington Post. I think he writes for the Entertainment section. His first post was about Dancing with the Stars, specifically the episode that Bristol Palin was on. He said, and I paraphrase rather than quote because I’m too lazy to go look it up, that the last time he saw Alaskan legs like that, he was dipping them in butter at Red Lobster. That’s my Pee Wee! I’ve missed him. He did something bad, I don’t remember what. As long as it didn’t involve children, I’m glad to have him back.
There was one more thing I wanted to write about, but I can’t remember what it was. It was something real interesting. It was going to be my last paragraph because it was even more interesting than these first two paragraphs and I was saving it for last. Now, I’m searching and coming up with nothing. This is embarrassing. I’m all flustered now. I…I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to get out of here with my dignity intact. There’s only one thought that keeps popping into my head: Pie is good.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Grandchildren - Sue
Yesterday, my parents had been dead for 45 years. Every year on that day, I subtract 1965 from the current year and come up with how many years it has been since that day. This year, I came up with 45. Forty-five is a nice, roundish number, midway between perfectly round numbers. It's not as round as fifty, midway between zero and the century mark, but it still has a "plunky" feel to it, as if some milestone had been reached.
Studies have shown that merchandise sells better if the price ends in "99." For example, $5.99 is supposed to sell better than $5.82, even though $5.99 is more money. It's all because of that round number feeling, and how round edges are easier to maneuver around than straight, square edges. Also, though $5.99 is only a penny away from $6.00, it still sounds like it's $5.00 and some change. But really, you may as well mean $6.00. That's what people go for though. They go for edges that are easy to maneuver around.
Yesterday, I printed photos of my grandchildren and tacked them up on our new display wall. So far, the grandchildren have the idea that you always get as much good food as you like, and all the fresh water and juice you care for. You're never too cold or too hot. There are plenty of things to play with and all kinds of things to explore. When you get sleepy, you just go to sleep. When you're done sleeping, well, it's pretty much time to do whatever you'd like again.
I am sure that someday they are each going to realize that there are other parts to life that aren't as welcome, and they may also subtract one date from the current year and reach milestones. But for now, all they have to do is whatever they feel like doing at the moment. They don't even know how to subtract yet.
Studies have shown that merchandise sells better if the price ends in "99." For example, $5.99 is supposed to sell better than $5.82, even though $5.99 is more money. It's all because of that round number feeling, and how round edges are easier to maneuver around than straight, square edges. Also, though $5.99 is only a penny away from $6.00, it still sounds like it's $5.00 and some change. But really, you may as well mean $6.00. That's what people go for though. They go for edges that are easy to maneuver around.
Yesterday, I printed photos of my grandchildren and tacked them up on our new display wall. So far, the grandchildren have the idea that you always get as much good food as you like, and all the fresh water and juice you care for. You're never too cold or too hot. There are plenty of things to play with and all kinds of things to explore. When you get sleepy, you just go to sleep. When you're done sleeping, well, it's pretty much time to do whatever you'd like again.
I am sure that someday they are each going to realize that there are other parts to life that aren't as welcome, and they may also subtract one date from the current year and reach milestones. But for now, all they have to do is whatever they feel like doing at the moment. They don't even know how to subtract yet.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Banana...Phyllis
Sue,
There’s a banana in a sack for you on the table to take to work tonight. I also put in some napkins, your plastic bib and some moist towelettes. Did you know bananas grow pointing up? They do. Oh, and just so you know, because bananas are high in potassium, they are a little bit radioactive. But don’t worry. It can’t be any more harmful than the mushrooms from the backyard I put in your salad last night. You’re as likely to have a good-hair day as you are to be harmed by the tiny trace of potassium-40 that the banana contains. So…enjoy!
Have a good night at work. See you in the morning. Love you!
Phyllis
There’s a banana in a sack for you on the table to take to work tonight. I also put in some napkins, your plastic bib and some moist towelettes. Did you know bananas grow pointing up? They do. Oh, and just so you know, because bananas are high in potassium, they are a little bit radioactive. But don’t worry. It can’t be any more harmful than the mushrooms from the backyard I put in your salad last night. You’re as likely to have a good-hair day as you are to be harmed by the tiny trace of potassium-40 that the banana contains. So…enjoy!
Have a good night at work. See you in the morning. Love you!
Phyllis
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Over Achiever - Sue
Well, that's easy for you. You just sit down and play as easily as you breathe. It's like you were born with the circuits already there in your head, and all you have to do is flip a switch. Suddenly, you're up and down the keys with Tchaikovsky or Chopin or Brahms. You capture a full house who all adore you and it's like all you've done is step out of the way so the Steinway can play itself.
And your skating. You get out of the way there too so you can enrapture the crowds with your Lutz jump, quad rotation, inside Axel and upright spin. Your arms can't hold all of the long-stemmed roses thrown for you as you bow like a willow. If they only knew. You never even had to take a lesson.
And let's talk about the Doctor scientiarum agrariarum you received from Tulane, after winning a full scholarship by shoveling more cow manure than anyone in your high school agriculture class. Now that was an achievement! Step out of the way when you're cleaning the barn, because the you know what isn't just going to hit the fan, it's going rocket propelled out to the spreader.
You must be thinking I'm jealous. I've had to struggle and study hard and overcome obstacles just to learn how to apply the clown makeup. I'm still not over that time I got gored by the Brahma bull, but I'm finally off the ventilator. The rodeo life isn't an easy one, but at least it's more normal than the FREAK life you live. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I've stood on the sideline while you received the medals and the adulation. But I'm not jealous. Because I've got something you'll never have. No matter how many switches you pull or how much you get out of the way, there is one thing that you'll never have and that I will always have. If anyone has been jealous, it's you. You know what it is, and it's just about killing you because you'll never have it.
Let's just say it outright. Let's just get it out in the open. What I've got that you'll never have is a little thing I like to call NORMAL. You don't know what that is, do you? You've never known but you'll always wonder. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Sue Deutscher, you're normal!" and no one anywhere is going to dispute me. You, on the other hand, are so far from normal you have to pack for a week just to see it from the outside!
So the next time you win the Kentucky Derby on a 40 to 1 long shot, and then you go on to win the America's Cup Sailboat Race and deliver fresh drinking water to starving children in Chad, remember this: the only normal part of you is that birth mark you've got on your right butt cheek. You really should have that removed.
And your skating. You get out of the way there too so you can enrapture the crowds with your Lutz jump, quad rotation, inside Axel and upright spin. Your arms can't hold all of the long-stemmed roses thrown for you as you bow like a willow. If they only knew. You never even had to take a lesson.
And let's talk about the Doctor scientiarum agrariarum you received from Tulane, after winning a full scholarship by shoveling more cow manure than anyone in your high school agriculture class. Now that was an achievement! Step out of the way when you're cleaning the barn, because the you know what isn't just going to hit the fan, it's going rocket propelled out to the spreader.
You must be thinking I'm jealous. I've had to struggle and study hard and overcome obstacles just to learn how to apply the clown makeup. I'm still not over that time I got gored by the Brahma bull, but I'm finally off the ventilator. The rodeo life isn't an easy one, but at least it's more normal than the FREAK life you live. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I've stood on the sideline while you received the medals and the adulation. But I'm not jealous. Because I've got something you'll never have. No matter how many switches you pull or how much you get out of the way, there is one thing that you'll never have and that I will always have. If anyone has been jealous, it's you. You know what it is, and it's just about killing you because you'll never have it.
Let's just say it outright. Let's just get it out in the open. What I've got that you'll never have is a little thing I like to call NORMAL. You don't know what that is, do you? You've never known but you'll always wonder. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Sue Deutscher, you're normal!" and no one anywhere is going to dispute me. You, on the other hand, are so far from normal you have to pack for a week just to see it from the outside!
So the next time you win the Kentucky Derby on a 40 to 1 long shot, and then you go on to win the America's Cup Sailboat Race and deliver fresh drinking water to starving children in Chad, remember this: the only normal part of you is that birth mark you've got on your right butt cheek. You really should have that removed.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Vending Machine...Phyllis
At my desk I sit engaged in work bromidic, feeling caged.
My lunch nearby, I eat a bit and soon I'm wanting more.
Restless, fidgeting, chafing, fussing, suddenly there comes a light.
A light not seen, but in my mind abhor
Stay away from the vending machine door,
The vending machine with snacks galore.
My steel resolve I begin to doubt, I bite my nails and think about
Cookies, candy, chips and cake galore,
The snacks displayed upon the shelf, I silently reprimand myself,
"Stay away from the light of the vending door"!
"Keep your money in your pocket", to myself I implore.
It's a candy store and nothing more.
My duties I am shirking now, obsessed and yet I disavow
My inner voice that says "Come! Come and get some more"!
This compulsion, this monkey on my back that so desperately wants a snack,
No! Stay away from the vending machine door!
It's tricking you. It's just a door with snacks behind it. Nothing more.
Open! Open, vending machine door!
O! Vending machine, it's you I blame for this appetite I cannot tame!
I can't resist this candy store. I cannot fight you anymore.
My fifty cents I'm going to spend. I can't prevent or refuse it.
I'll break my back to get a snack, you snack-vending whore!
In goes my money. Out comes a cake, a cake from the open door.
I promise now, a solemn vow, till next time, nevermore.
My lunch nearby, I eat a bit and soon I'm wanting more.
Restless, fidgeting, chafing, fussing, suddenly there comes a light.
A light not seen, but in my mind abhor
Stay away from the vending machine door,
The vending machine with snacks galore.
My steel resolve I begin to doubt, I bite my nails and think about
Cookies, candy, chips and cake galore,
The snacks displayed upon the shelf, I silently reprimand myself,
"Stay away from the light of the vending door"!
"Keep your money in your pocket", to myself I implore.
It's a candy store and nothing more.
My duties I am shirking now, obsessed and yet I disavow
My inner voice that says "Come! Come and get some more"!
This compulsion, this monkey on my back that so desperately wants a snack,
No! Stay away from the vending machine door!
It's tricking you. It's just a door with snacks behind it. Nothing more.
Open! Open, vending machine door!
O! Vending machine, it's you I blame for this appetite I cannot tame!
I can't resist this candy store. I cannot fight you anymore.
My fifty cents I'm going to spend. I can't prevent or refuse it.
I'll break my back to get a snack, you snack-vending whore!
In goes my money. Out comes a cake, a cake from the open door.
I promise now, a solemn vow, till next time, nevermore.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Just Lucky, I Guess - Sue
Oh my God. My expensive Asus computer acted like a plastic souvenier trinket from Taiwan and blue-screened. Clutching my chest with the first signs of internet withdrawal, I fired up the air compressor and vacuumed the old Takes a Beating and Keeps on Ticking Gateway. I'll have to call PC911 and report the hard drive or processor failure or whatever the FUCK it decided to fail with this time. After replacing the power supply, and now having to replace everything else, it'll be a brand new desktop that I should actually be able to USE. Of course, it won't be an Asus anymore, but that will be what Martha calls a "good thing."
I have officially made one corner of the living room presentable for the new furnace installers today. They're going to walk away and say, "Hey Luis, did you get a load of that one corner of the living room? That corner of the ceiling is so clean, you could manufacture microprocessors on it."
If I don't lose 50 pounds before this house is clean, I'm going to donate myself to science to study as a genetic anomaly. Yesterday, we went to HD and bought a 24 pack of microfibre cleaning cloths. They are super absorbent and can be used either wet or dry. We hopped over to OD and got foam board and double sticky tape to afix to the wall for photos. Got home, steam cleaned the couch. I would say 95% of Lisle came off. We put the boards up. Then Dan, the furnace man, came over to light the pilot, which had mysteriously self-extinguished last spring two days before the warm came. We were lucky!
"No good," says Dan. "See all that stuff in there? Your heat exchanger is shot."
Phyllis and I looked. Yep, it was shot alright. Dan wasn't saying it was going to kill us, or the dogs, or the cats, or the birds. He wasn't saying it was the end of the world. Phyllis and I exhaled. Whew! "I'm just saying you need a new furnace."
I wanted to ask, "How much cream is that going to scrape off the top of our pail of milk?" But he wasn't done.
"I'm not saying I'm the cheapest in town," he said. "But I will say I'm the best!" And there we were, like two Powerball winners, lucky again! The best furnace man in all of metro Denver and the entire front range had fallen on our doorstep in our time of need. Dan added, "I don't know how to break this to you, but your air convection is not up to code."
I told him that he was the expert and we would seriously consider whatever he recommended. Still feeling lucky, I boldly asked him how much a new furnace job might run. He went out to his van to crunch some numbers. Phyllis and I quickly agreed that no matter how much it was, we would pay it. We would pay it because we are two desperate people who were once riding high, but were now out of choices and down on our luck.
And I still have to call PC911.
I have officially made one corner of the living room presentable for the new furnace installers today. They're going to walk away and say, "Hey Luis, did you get a load of that one corner of the living room? That corner of the ceiling is so clean, you could manufacture microprocessors on it."
If I don't lose 50 pounds before this house is clean, I'm going to donate myself to science to study as a genetic anomaly. Yesterday, we went to HD and bought a 24 pack of microfibre cleaning cloths. They are super absorbent and can be used either wet or dry. We hopped over to OD and got foam board and double sticky tape to afix to the wall for photos. Got home, steam cleaned the couch. I would say 95% of Lisle came off. We put the boards up. Then Dan, the furnace man, came over to light the pilot, which had mysteriously self-extinguished last spring two days before the warm came. We were lucky!
"No good," says Dan. "See all that stuff in there? Your heat exchanger is shot."
Phyllis and I looked. Yep, it was shot alright. Dan wasn't saying it was going to kill us, or the dogs, or the cats, or the birds. He wasn't saying it was the end of the world. Phyllis and I exhaled. Whew! "I'm just saying you need a new furnace."
I wanted to ask, "How much cream is that going to scrape off the top of our pail of milk?" But he wasn't done.
"I'm not saying I'm the cheapest in town," he said. "But I will say I'm the best!" And there we were, like two Powerball winners, lucky again! The best furnace man in all of metro Denver and the entire front range had fallen on our doorstep in our time of need. Dan added, "I don't know how to break this to you, but your air convection is not up to code."
I told him that he was the expert and we would seriously consider whatever he recommended. Still feeling lucky, I boldly asked him how much a new furnace job might run. He went out to his van to crunch some numbers. Phyllis and I quickly agreed that no matter how much it was, we would pay it. We would pay it because we are two desperate people who were once riding high, but were now out of choices and down on our luck.
And I still have to call PC911.
Dennis Has a New Blog! Jeff Does, Too!
Ok, so enough about Jeff and Dennis. We wanted to cover a portion of one of the living room walls with cork so we could have a versatile photo gallery. We settled on some foam core board. It was half the price and it’s working out ok. We haven’t put up many pictures yet.
Ok, some more about Jeff and Dennis. Did I mention they have new blogs? Ok, enough about them. Sue works all night and is wide awake when I’m waking up. As soon as I woke up yesterday morning, Sue wanted to rearrange the furniture. And so with my cup of coffee in one hand, we tore it all apart and moved the pieces all around. I like it. It feels new and different. The new, different look gave us the idea to get the foam board to make our versatile photo gallery.
So, about Jeff and Dennis… eh. Enough about them. I can’t talk about anything we have done this week without mentioning the new super, heavy-duty steam cleaner Sue bought. We cleaned the wall, the wall that we hung the foam core board for our versatile photo gallery, with the super, heavy-duty steam cleaner. She really gets ‘er clean! We did the leather sofa with it, too. I read somewhere that Sue cleans her teeth with it. That explains why her lips are chapped.
Jeff and Dennis are my brothers and they both have blogs with one post on them. But enough about them. We had a guy over today to light the pilot light in our furnace and check everything out. One half hour and $2200 later, we had a new furnace. Well, we will tomorrow. He kept saying, “It’s not the end of the world.” “Your furnace is 30 years old, but it’s not the end of the world. These couplers are shot, but it’s not the end of the world. You have no vents in your attic, but it’s not the end of the world.” So when he gave us the estimate, Sue and I both thought, in unison, “It’s not the end of the world.” He looked at us knowingly and we all agreed silently.
Tonight, Sue’s computer is kaput. That is a problem because Sue has exchanged vows with her computer and they are committed to one another. But like a lot of relationships, she has a couple of spares on the side…an extra tower and a laptop. So she will get through this. We have a pc guy who has already made several trips to our house. He’ll be coming back again. We like him and he likes us.
I wait and watch daily for Jeff and Dennis to write in their blogs. Will it be today? Will it be tomorrow? I just might have to un-friend them.
Ok, some more about Jeff and Dennis. Did I mention they have new blogs? Ok, enough about them. Sue works all night and is wide awake when I’m waking up. As soon as I woke up yesterday morning, Sue wanted to rearrange the furniture. And so with my cup of coffee in one hand, we tore it all apart and moved the pieces all around. I like it. It feels new and different. The new, different look gave us the idea to get the foam board to make our versatile photo gallery.
So, about Jeff and Dennis… eh. Enough about them. I can’t talk about anything we have done this week without mentioning the new super, heavy-duty steam cleaner Sue bought. We cleaned the wall, the wall that we hung the foam core board for our versatile photo gallery, with the super, heavy-duty steam cleaner. She really gets ‘er clean! We did the leather sofa with it, too. I read somewhere that Sue cleans her teeth with it. That explains why her lips are chapped.
Jeff and Dennis are my brothers and they both have blogs with one post on them. But enough about them. We had a guy over today to light the pilot light in our furnace and check everything out. One half hour and $2200 later, we had a new furnace. Well, we will tomorrow. He kept saying, “It’s not the end of the world.” “Your furnace is 30 years old, but it’s not the end of the world. These couplers are shot, but it’s not the end of the world. You have no vents in your attic, but it’s not the end of the world.” So when he gave us the estimate, Sue and I both thought, in unison, “It’s not the end of the world.” He looked at us knowingly and we all agreed silently.
Tonight, Sue’s computer is kaput. That is a problem because Sue has exchanged vows with her computer and they are committed to one another. But like a lot of relationships, she has a couple of spares on the side…an extra tower and a laptop. So she will get through this. We have a pc guy who has already made several trips to our house. He’ll be coming back again. We like him and he likes us.
I wait and watch daily for Jeff and Dennis to write in their blogs. Will it be today? Will it be tomorrow? I just might have to un-friend them.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Head Wound - Sue
Yesterday morning, after steam cleaning my teeth, I heard a big bang outside and looked out to see a man laying over the hood of Phyllis's car. Several people stood near. A car was driving by slowly. I wondered whether he had been struck by a car. I walked out briskly and asked if he was alright. He was holding his head and bent over. The other people were asking him if he was okay, too.
He said he was okay. They also had three dogs with them. The young woman introduced herself as my new neighbor. I already forgot her name. Then the young man introduced his name and said he was my new neighbor, too. The woman looked at the other two people and said they were her parents, but they didn't look at me so I didn't say anything. Then the woman introduced me to her dogs. She said that the black Terrier looking dog belonged to her parents.
I asked what happened and the woman said she had closed the back hood on the car and didn't know her husband's head was in the way, so she closed it on his head. I asked again if there was anything I could do and then I felt stupid. Her mute parents were there. Couldn't they help?
So, that's how I met the new neighbors and their dogs. Those are the dogs who have been barking like caged kennel dogs and keeping me awake. But yesterday, I slept for nine hours! I didn't hear any barking at all. Maybe they were gone for the day. Lisle, Pete and Mac have been very good about not barking back at them. When I first went to bed, they were barking, but Lisle, Pete and Mac didn't bark. After I fell asleep, they never woke me up.
I didn't really steam clean my teeth. I steam cleaned the living room windows. I also did the ledge and one of the blinds. I thought maybe the steam cleaner would make cleaning the blinds easier, but it's still a pain in the buttocks. That doesn't mean I WON'T steam clean my teeth.
I wonder what else I can steam clean. The trash cans? The sun umbrella? Those dirty parakeets? They preen on a daily basis but you can't use harsh chemicals on a parakeet and if they want viruses eliminated then steam is the only option. The fireplace? I certainly don't want to start a fire in a dirty fireplace.
All you parakeet lovers, please don't write. I'm not really going to steam clean them, as long as they keep preening.
Maybe the oven could use a good steam cleaning. I can't stand baking dog food in a grungy oven. It just doesn't look pretty when I set in baking pans of raw pork, chicken and hamburger. Sure, it's going to get hot enough to kill germs, but I don't think I can feel comfortable washing ceilings if the oven has that crusty look. Or the neighbor's dogs. They looked a little scruffy yesterday, looking on as their master reeled from the head wound his wife inflicted.
He said he was okay. They also had three dogs with them. The young woman introduced herself as my new neighbor. I already forgot her name. Then the young man introduced his name and said he was my new neighbor, too. The woman looked at the other two people and said they were her parents, but they didn't look at me so I didn't say anything. Then the woman introduced me to her dogs. She said that the black Terrier looking dog belonged to her parents.
I asked what happened and the woman said she had closed the back hood on the car and didn't know her husband's head was in the way, so she closed it on his head. I asked again if there was anything I could do and then I felt stupid. Her mute parents were there. Couldn't they help?
So, that's how I met the new neighbors and their dogs. Those are the dogs who have been barking like caged kennel dogs and keeping me awake. But yesterday, I slept for nine hours! I didn't hear any barking at all. Maybe they were gone for the day. Lisle, Pete and Mac have been very good about not barking back at them. When I first went to bed, they were barking, but Lisle, Pete and Mac didn't bark. After I fell asleep, they never woke me up.
I didn't really steam clean my teeth. I steam cleaned the living room windows. I also did the ledge and one of the blinds. I thought maybe the steam cleaner would make cleaning the blinds easier, but it's still a pain in the buttocks. That doesn't mean I WON'T steam clean my teeth.
I wonder what else I can steam clean. The trash cans? The sun umbrella? Those dirty parakeets? They preen on a daily basis but you can't use harsh chemicals on a parakeet and if they want viruses eliminated then steam is the only option. The fireplace? I certainly don't want to start a fire in a dirty fireplace.
All you parakeet lovers, please don't write. I'm not really going to steam clean them, as long as they keep preening.
Maybe the oven could use a good steam cleaning. I can't stand baking dog food in a grungy oven. It just doesn't look pretty when I set in baking pans of raw pork, chicken and hamburger. Sure, it's going to get hot enough to kill germs, but I don't think I can feel comfortable washing ceilings if the oven has that crusty look. Or the neighbor's dogs. They looked a little scruffy yesterday, looking on as their master reeled from the head wound his wife inflicted.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper...Phyllis
I got a catalog in the mail yesterday for products that “…help with baby… every step of the way”. I don’t know how I got on this list because my baby is 30 years old and as far as I know, he is potty trained. At least that’s what he’s been making me believe. It never occurred to me to wonder, but…well, I’ll call him today and ask.
The first few pages are full of costumes. I especially like the little bunting infant costumes where you can make your baby look like a worm or a chili pepper or a banana. Very cute. "Does pooky wooky hate mommy yet?" He will.
For toddlers there are ‘Where the Wild Things Are” monsters, “Wizard of OZ” witches and lions (there is no Dorothy). I wonder why. “Sesame Street” Big Bird and a piggy that doesn’t look quite as salacious as the ‘real’ Miss Piggy. One thing they all have in common: They are all plush and comfy and germ-free.
The plush and germ-free theme occurs throughout the catalog…even things that are supposed to be hard and full of germs. A diaper pail that is odor-free for example. It doesn’t even look like a pail. I would have liked one of those. Mine was really a pail that was filled with hot, sudsy water. After a month or so, that water was cold and mucky. My mom suggested I should change it every day. What!?! This one has a carbon filter and needs no ‘yucky plunging’. I’m going to barf.
There’s a bed-wetting sensor that you put in your kid’s pants hooked to wires that attach to their tummy. I don’t even want to think about what kind of behavior THAT could lead to. It’s supposed to cure bed-wetting in 2 weeks. If they continue to beg for the device long after they have stopped wetting, be very concerned. And keep them away from other children.
Then there is a portable pacifier sterilizer. Bet you can’t say that fast 3 times. So every time baby drops his binky, or throws it at you or throws it in a restaurant and it lands in a stranger’s plate, you don’t have to just wipe it off on your shirt and shove it back in his mug. You can have your portable pacifier sterilizer with you. At all times.
There’s a comfy, cushy (germ-free) potty seat that plays music. I want one of those. Ha! They say I never make suggestions at work. I have one, now. And there’s a battery-operated aspirator. Not that stupid blue bulb we used to use. This one has power. I would be afraid of this. It looks like it could suck your baby’s brains out.
This catalog is jam-packed with useful items and I would love to buy them, but I don’t need them, but if you have a baby and you live in a hard, germy house…you need this.
The first few pages are full of costumes. I especially like the little bunting infant costumes where you can make your baby look like a worm or a chili pepper or a banana. Very cute. "Does pooky wooky hate mommy yet?" He will.
For toddlers there are ‘Where the Wild Things Are” monsters, “Wizard of OZ” witches and lions (there is no Dorothy). I wonder why. “Sesame Street” Big Bird and a piggy that doesn’t look quite as salacious as the ‘real’ Miss Piggy. One thing they all have in common: They are all plush and comfy and germ-free.
The plush and germ-free theme occurs throughout the catalog…even things that are supposed to be hard and full of germs. A diaper pail that is odor-free for example. It doesn’t even look like a pail. I would have liked one of those. Mine was really a pail that was filled with hot, sudsy water. After a month or so, that water was cold and mucky. My mom suggested I should change it every day. What!?! This one has a carbon filter and needs no ‘yucky plunging’. I’m going to barf.
There’s a bed-wetting sensor that you put in your kid’s pants hooked to wires that attach to their tummy. I don’t even want to think about what kind of behavior THAT could lead to. It’s supposed to cure bed-wetting in 2 weeks. If they continue to beg for the device long after they have stopped wetting, be very concerned. And keep them away from other children.
Then there is a portable pacifier sterilizer. Bet you can’t say that fast 3 times. So every time baby drops his binky, or throws it at you or throws it in a restaurant and it lands in a stranger’s plate, you don’t have to just wipe it off on your shirt and shove it back in his mug. You can have your portable pacifier sterilizer with you. At all times.
There’s a comfy, cushy (germ-free) potty seat that plays music. I want one of those. Ha! They say I never make suggestions at work. I have one, now. And there’s a battery-operated aspirator. Not that stupid blue bulb we used to use. This one has power. I would be afraid of this. It looks like it could suck your baby’s brains out.
This catalog is jam-packed with useful items and I would love to buy them, but I don’t need them, but if you have a baby and you live in a hard, germy house…you need this.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Capricious - Sue
My biggest accomplishment today wasn't discovering a cure for gingivitis or hitting a homer out of the park to win the World Series. I didn't even manage to see what is on TCM.
My biggest accomplishment was cleaning the shower curtain. "Sue," you may be thinking. "You need to set higher standards for yourself." But wait! This was no ordinary shower curtain cleaning. This was using my brand new McCullough Heavy Duty Steam Cleaner. No chemicals! Just steam hot enough to curl hair and annihilate any and all bacteria, scum, germs, crud and grunge. This shower curtain can now hold its own in the finest hotel in New York City. And that, Denizens of the Universe, is a clean shower curtain.
Our new neighbors moved in a couple of days ago. They have three dogs. One is an English Sheepdog, one an Australian Shepherd, and one is some kind of mid-sized, black Terrier. They bark a lot. I don't get much sleep that way. Hopefully, they will calm down as they become accustomed to their new home. When I take over the welcoming cake, I'm going to tell them if they don't keep their dogs quiet, I'm going to press charges. I'm going to get Denver's Finest involved and I'll see them in court. Not really. I haven't baked a cake in thirty years and I'm not about to start now.
I wish Micah had never sold that house. He worked for about a year renovating it. I wish we lived on about five acres, like my brother. I wish we had a Super Max Security Prison electric fence around the perimeter, with armed guards and video surveillance. I wish we had body guards and a swat team living on the roof. Instead, we have a Saint Bernard, a Border Collie and a... and Mac. They are much better about refraining from barking, even when incited by the new neighbors. When they were barking last evening, I took Lisle's leash and whacked it on the ground and they scattered like birds. They seemed to be thinking, "Shit, she really means it!"
After I steamed the shower curtain, I took Pete for a bike ride. I had been sweating, and it was quite cool out, and the breeze felt good. If I keep this bike riding up along with the steam cleaning, I may lose a little weight. I'm going to get buff. When those neighbor dogs bark, I'm going to get the step stool and look over the privacy fence at them. They'll think I'm ten feet tall, and ready to open my can of whup ass. They'll stop barking, and they slink away in terror. If I can annihilate shower curtain crud, I can certainly put a stop to this dog barking nonsense.
Tomorrow, I may break the world speed record over land on a unicycle, or I may see how many beebees I can stack in one column. You see, you just never know what I will come up with next. I may just bake a cake.
My biggest accomplishment was cleaning the shower curtain. "Sue," you may be thinking. "You need to set higher standards for yourself." But wait! This was no ordinary shower curtain cleaning. This was using my brand new McCullough Heavy Duty Steam Cleaner. No chemicals! Just steam hot enough to curl hair and annihilate any and all bacteria, scum, germs, crud and grunge. This shower curtain can now hold its own in the finest hotel in New York City. And that, Denizens of the Universe, is a clean shower curtain.
Our new neighbors moved in a couple of days ago. They have three dogs. One is an English Sheepdog, one an Australian Shepherd, and one is some kind of mid-sized, black Terrier. They bark a lot. I don't get much sleep that way. Hopefully, they will calm down as they become accustomed to their new home. When I take over the welcoming cake, I'm going to tell them if they don't keep their dogs quiet, I'm going to press charges. I'm going to get Denver's Finest involved and I'll see them in court. Not really. I haven't baked a cake in thirty years and I'm not about to start now.
I wish Micah had never sold that house. He worked for about a year renovating it. I wish we lived on about five acres, like my brother. I wish we had a Super Max Security Prison electric fence around the perimeter, with armed guards and video surveillance. I wish we had body guards and a swat team living on the roof. Instead, we have a Saint Bernard, a Border Collie and a... and Mac. They are much better about refraining from barking, even when incited by the new neighbors. When they were barking last evening, I took Lisle's leash and whacked it on the ground and they scattered like birds. They seemed to be thinking, "Shit, she really means it!"
After I steamed the shower curtain, I took Pete for a bike ride. I had been sweating, and it was quite cool out, and the breeze felt good. If I keep this bike riding up along with the steam cleaning, I may lose a little weight. I'm going to get buff. When those neighbor dogs bark, I'm going to get the step stool and look over the privacy fence at them. They'll think I'm ten feet tall, and ready to open my can of whup ass. They'll stop barking, and they slink away in terror. If I can annihilate shower curtain crud, I can certainly put a stop to this dog barking nonsense.
Tomorrow, I may break the world speed record over land on a unicycle, or I may see how many beebees I can stack in one column. You see, you just never know what I will come up with next. I may just bake a cake.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Useful Things...Phyllis
This morning, Sue and I took our cameras downtown to take pictures. While we were walking, we talked about vocabulary words and how we ought to pick a new word or 2 every day and use it as often as we can that day. Yeah, like that will last longer than 30 minutes. In fact, Sue has already forgotten all about it. The word for today is ‘salubrious’… as in, “My! What a salubrious array of prescription drugs you have in the medicine cabinet, Mom”. Or, how about this: “Pork rinds are unsalubrious.”
Sue’s birthday is at the end of October. I asked her if she would like to go to Olive Garden for her birthday. She said, “Can we go today?” I meant a month and a half from now, but what the heck? I was hungry for a salubrious lunch. So we went and it was good. The waitress was kind of chirpy and too friendly, though. “Are WE ready to order yet?”
“Yes, WE are. Are you going to eat with us”? I just thought it. I didn’t say it. I’m not mean.
The point of my post today was to talk about what item is most useful to me. At this point, during lunch, I hadn’t decided what that is yet. At that moment, it would have been my fork. Earlier, when we were walking, it would have been my shoes. We talked about Gone With the Wind which was on TCM last night and we watched it. That was probably my 6th or 7th time to see it. Sue hasn’t seen it that many times, so I felt the need to point things out to her before they happened so she could be watching for them.
“The little girl is going to fall off her horse and die in this scene, so be ready for that.”
“Scarlet is going to shoot that guy in the face, then tell Melanie to take off her nightgown.”
“Any second now, a bunch of guys are going to attack Scarlet when she rides over the bridge.”
Sue said Gone With the Wind is to cinema what The Beatles are to music. Then our salad and bread sticks came. We stopped talking and started shoveling. And I thought some more. What is the most useful item I own? Vacuum cleaner is pretty useful. Washing machine is pretty useful. Lawnmower, dishes, chairs, pants…I can’t choose!
We got an air compressor last week. We had big plans for it, but we were afraid of it. We were supposed to let the motor run till the air pressure built up and the motor would shut off by itself, but it seemed like the pressure was getting awfully high and we would get scared and shut it off ourselves. Finally, we just let it run and the pressure built up and up and right when I had made peace with God and was ready to die, the motor shut itself off. Whew! I took back everything about being more tolerant, never cussing again and being less judgmental. I’ll save it for another time when I’m about to die. There’s no point in making peace with God if you’re already at peace with Him. You won’t have anything to do while you’re waiting to die. You’ll be bored.
I was going to remember my word, ‘salubrious’ by remembering that it begins like ‘salad’. But then, so does ‘salacious’ and do I really want to mistake one for the other? I wouldn’t want to ask the wrong person if they would like a salacious snack. It wouldn’t be useful and I’m trying to think of useful things.
There are too many useful things! I took off my glasses and went to splash some water on my face. Think! It’s hard to find my glasses when I’m not wearing them, so I just began to type some more. S0okdff ks;aduf aslkfh@ slasohyhg. Ahdofu & a;dhasljd. My spell check started to smell like kerosene and burning tires. I found my glasses and found my answer.
My glasses are the most useful thing I own!
Sue’s birthday is at the end of October. I asked her if she would like to go to Olive Garden for her birthday. She said, “Can we go today?” I meant a month and a half from now, but what the heck? I was hungry for a salubrious lunch. So we went and it was good. The waitress was kind of chirpy and too friendly, though. “Are WE ready to order yet?”
“Yes, WE are. Are you going to eat with us”? I just thought it. I didn’t say it. I’m not mean.
The point of my post today was to talk about what item is most useful to me. At this point, during lunch, I hadn’t decided what that is yet. At that moment, it would have been my fork. Earlier, when we were walking, it would have been my shoes. We talked about Gone With the Wind which was on TCM last night and we watched it. That was probably my 6th or 7th time to see it. Sue hasn’t seen it that many times, so I felt the need to point things out to her before they happened so she could be watching for them.
“The little girl is going to fall off her horse and die in this scene, so be ready for that.”
“Scarlet is going to shoot that guy in the face, then tell Melanie to take off her nightgown.”
“Any second now, a bunch of guys are going to attack Scarlet when she rides over the bridge.”
Sue said Gone With the Wind is to cinema what The Beatles are to music. Then our salad and bread sticks came. We stopped talking and started shoveling. And I thought some more. What is the most useful item I own? Vacuum cleaner is pretty useful. Washing machine is pretty useful. Lawnmower, dishes, chairs, pants…I can’t choose!
We got an air compressor last week. We had big plans for it, but we were afraid of it. We were supposed to let the motor run till the air pressure built up and the motor would shut off by itself, but it seemed like the pressure was getting awfully high and we would get scared and shut it off ourselves. Finally, we just let it run and the pressure built up and up and right when I had made peace with God and was ready to die, the motor shut itself off. Whew! I took back everything about being more tolerant, never cussing again and being less judgmental. I’ll save it for another time when I’m about to die. There’s no point in making peace with God if you’re already at peace with Him. You won’t have anything to do while you’re waiting to die. You’ll be bored.
I was going to remember my word, ‘salubrious’ by remembering that it begins like ‘salad’. But then, so does ‘salacious’ and do I really want to mistake one for the other? I wouldn’t want to ask the wrong person if they would like a salacious snack. It wouldn’t be useful and I’m trying to think of useful things.
There are too many useful things! I took off my glasses and went to splash some water on my face. Think! It’s hard to find my glasses when I’m not wearing them, so I just began to type some more. S0okdff ks;aduf aslkfh@ slasohyhg. Ahdofu & a;dhasljd. My spell check started to smell like kerosene and burning tires. I found my glasses and found my answer.
My glasses are the most useful thing I own!
Gone With the Air Compressor Wind - Sue
We are not experts on air compressors, okay? So when the pressure in the outake tank stayed at zero, Phyllis and I were stymied. The pressure in the holding tank kept going up. We only had seconds to act before the entire house and neighborhood exploded. Then The Thing shut off by itself.
All I wanted was a fighting chance in The War on Dirt. Lisle weighs just over a 100 pounds and 98 pounds of that is dander. When she shakes in the living room, every ten minutes or so, it snows, and three hours after washing all of the dust off of everything, we are again slogging through ash from Mt. St. Helens. Lisle's puppy video on youtube has 299,446 views. There are endless comments about how cute she is. No longer a puppy, she is still very cute, even with a head the size of a basketball. But when you can't find the couch under the mud, it's time for shock and awe.
We cracked open the manual and Phyllis read aloud while I wrung my hands. I've always had an aversion towards power tools. They're much too loud, and I make it a policy to stand clear of anything that can slice through solid oak like it's jello. This air compressor would gladly shred us like a meat grinder if it had a quarter of a chance. We had to go at it from a different angle... dissect its innards and reassemble, if only in our minds. We had to think like an air compressor.
When we first got her home, Phyllis started reading the manual while I turned her on and revved her up. The air compressor! I blew a few pounds of St. Bernard dander off of the blinds in the living room while Phyllis kept reading. Sometimes, I jump head first into a situation with a devil may care attitude. I threw caution to the wind that burst out of the nozzle, full steam ahead. A few minutes later, we smelled something burning. We shut her off.
We decided to put her away and think about that tomorrow. So that was last night, when I thought I would use her to blow out my computer. She's a pretty little unit, whore-house red, but pretty won't win The War on Dirt. Pretty won't even take a little hill.
So we tried her again and the intake tank filled up just fine. The needle kept rising to an alarming level. The holding tank stayed at zero, and no matter how many times I depressed the little handle, nothing happened. Then she shut off by herself. Phyllis brushed against what must have been an emergency release valve because POW! Air rushed out like puncturing a hot air balloon. If she had wings, she'd have flown to Dixie. The air compressor!
That was when Phyllis got out the manual again and a sense of impending doom spread over me. During the short time we had her, I had grown to love that gutsy little air compressor. Phyllis said not to worry, because she's had plenty of power tools and they are made to take a beating.
So, we put her away again to think about that tomorrow, and we watched Gone With the Wind.
All I wanted was a fighting chance in The War on Dirt. Lisle weighs just over a 100 pounds and 98 pounds of that is dander. When she shakes in the living room, every ten minutes or so, it snows, and three hours after washing all of the dust off of everything, we are again slogging through ash from Mt. St. Helens. Lisle's puppy video on youtube has 299,446 views. There are endless comments about how cute she is. No longer a puppy, she is still very cute, even with a head the size of a basketball. But when you can't find the couch under the mud, it's time for shock and awe.
We cracked open the manual and Phyllis read aloud while I wrung my hands. I've always had an aversion towards power tools. They're much too loud, and I make it a policy to stand clear of anything that can slice through solid oak like it's jello. This air compressor would gladly shred us like a meat grinder if it had a quarter of a chance. We had to go at it from a different angle... dissect its innards and reassemble, if only in our minds. We had to think like an air compressor.
When we first got her home, Phyllis started reading the manual while I turned her on and revved her up. The air compressor! I blew a few pounds of St. Bernard dander off of the blinds in the living room while Phyllis kept reading. Sometimes, I jump head first into a situation with a devil may care attitude. I threw caution to the wind that burst out of the nozzle, full steam ahead. A few minutes later, we smelled something burning. We shut her off.
We decided to put her away and think about that tomorrow. So that was last night, when I thought I would use her to blow out my computer. She's a pretty little unit, whore-house red, but pretty won't win The War on Dirt. Pretty won't even take a little hill.
So we tried her again and the intake tank filled up just fine. The needle kept rising to an alarming level. The holding tank stayed at zero, and no matter how many times I depressed the little handle, nothing happened. Then she shut off by herself. Phyllis brushed against what must have been an emergency release valve because POW! Air rushed out like puncturing a hot air balloon. If she had wings, she'd have flown to Dixie. The air compressor!
That was when Phyllis got out the manual again and a sense of impending doom spread over me. During the short time we had her, I had grown to love that gutsy little air compressor. Phyllis said not to worry, because she's had plenty of power tools and they are made to take a beating.
So, we put her away again to think about that tomorrow, and we watched Gone With the Wind.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What's the Matter with Energy?...Phyllis
Matter, energy and mass my Aunt Hootie. Sue has never been to Mass and what’s the matter with energy? I’m all for it. There is a simple reason why two things can’t occupy the same space at the same time: There isn’t enough room! Don’t get involved in Sue’s scam. Don’t send her a dollar. Do you know what she’ll do with it? She’ll buy gum and candy and rock-n-roll records with it is what she’ll do. Send me the dollar and I’ll use it to help pay for her adult day care.
All this talk about laws and hierarchies and vacuums got me thinking about tuna casserole. I asked Sue if she likes it. We still don’t know all of each other’s likes and dislikes and maybe never will. It’s not easy with Sue. One day she is a ‘raw foodist’ and she is eating only raw vegetables. Another day, she is going to eat only free-range eggs and chicken. Another day, she is an ‘intrepid explorer’. Now, it appears she’s a physicist collecting money for some spaceship or something. She said she does like tuna casserole and I said maybe I’ll make some on Saturday.
We got new neighbors today and they appear to have a dog. Sue said she hopes their dog doesn’t bark (even though ours do). Our dogs aren’t annoying when they bark. Other people’s are. Our dogs only bark when necessary and their sound is soft and sweet like a Mozart Symphony for Clarinet (Opus V1). She also hopes they don’t play loud music. Perhaps when she takes a cake over to welcome them, she should give them a list of house rules. And while she’s at it, maybe explain her theories on matter and energy to them.
Sue is right about one thing, though. I do abhor the vacuum. You use it once and you just have to do it again in a month or two. When does it stop? It doesn’t. You have to vacuum for the rest of your life. Think about it. The rest of your life. That uses up a lot of energy. And the vacuum takes up space. And it takes up time.
Time, space, matter, mass, energy … maybe I will give Sue a dollar and buy a ticket for her spaceship to a different universe: A universe where there are no vacuums.
All this talk about laws and hierarchies and vacuums got me thinking about tuna casserole. I asked Sue if she likes it. We still don’t know all of each other’s likes and dislikes and maybe never will. It’s not easy with Sue. One day she is a ‘raw foodist’ and she is eating only raw vegetables. Another day, she is going to eat only free-range eggs and chicken. Another day, she is an ‘intrepid explorer’. Now, it appears she’s a physicist collecting money for some spaceship or something. She said she does like tuna casserole and I said maybe I’ll make some on Saturday.
We got new neighbors today and they appear to have a dog. Sue said she hopes their dog doesn’t bark (even though ours do). Our dogs aren’t annoying when they bark. Other people’s are. Our dogs only bark when necessary and their sound is soft and sweet like a Mozart Symphony for Clarinet (Opus V1). She also hopes they don’t play loud music. Perhaps when she takes a cake over to welcome them, she should give them a list of house rules. And while she’s at it, maybe explain her theories on matter and energy to them.
Sue is right about one thing, though. I do abhor the vacuum. You use it once and you just have to do it again in a month or two. When does it stop? It doesn’t. You have to vacuum for the rest of your life. Think about it. The rest of your life. That uses up a lot of energy. And the vacuum takes up space. And it takes up time.
Time, space, matter, mass, energy … maybe I will give Sue a dollar and buy a ticket for her spaceship to a different universe: A universe where there are no vacuums.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
An Equalizing Universe - Sue
Nature, like Phyllis, abhors a vacuum. And therein lies the conundrum.
Stuff keeps trying to fill up empty space, because that's one of the Universal Laws, of which there are many as we shall see in this series. That stuff keeps trying to fill up empty space is good for jet aircraft and sucking up a vanilla shake in a straw. This is why a nurse can suck up antibiotics in that vial with a needle so you can get a shot in the ass. Ever try to run a back hoe without hydraulics? Give that a go and see how much suction means to you.
But Nature, as we shall see, can be a cruel task master. While stuff is trying to fill up empty space, it smashes up against a law that takes a higher priority in the hierarchy of laws, and that is that stuff can't occupy the same space as something else. This is why bullets kill people. But the bullet has to be going at a good rate of speed, because there is another law that says speed is more powerful than mass. We'll cover that later.
I'm not quite sure how to break this to you, so I'll just say it straight up. The Universe is trying to equalize itself. It's like a big wave that crashes against a rock and then bounces back the other way. All of the particles in the Universe are trying to fill up all the space, bounce against each other, fill up the space, bounce against each other until everything calms down and becomes a placid sea, like early in the morning when you can see the shore reflected in a perfect mirror.
And what, you may be wondering, effect does that have on us? Will our bodies become oozing, viscous gels that slide around like melting ice cream, and then move on to the next stage of becoming vapors floating away in the clouds? No. That's not going to happen. It's not going to happen because we're going to act now to take care of our planet.
Will you join me in saving the human race along with the rest of life on Earth? Or will you stick your head in the sand where your cell phone is there waiting for you to cast your vote on the next American Idol? It's up to you. It's up to me. We're at a turning point in history, where we stand on the precipice that makes our future for us and our children or we can turn into globules of jelly, floating for eternity in nothingness.
"What does it take?" you have a right to ask. "How can I help save us all?" I'll tell you. One dollar. If you each just send me one dollar, I'll have enough to build my spaceship, and it will be big enough for all of us! We will jettison to a different Universe, where they don't have any stupid laws and Phyllis won't abhor a vacuum.
Stuff keeps trying to fill up empty space, because that's one of the Universal Laws, of which there are many as we shall see in this series. That stuff keeps trying to fill up empty space is good for jet aircraft and sucking up a vanilla shake in a straw. This is why a nurse can suck up antibiotics in that vial with a needle so you can get a shot in the ass. Ever try to run a back hoe without hydraulics? Give that a go and see how much suction means to you.
But Nature, as we shall see, can be a cruel task master. While stuff is trying to fill up empty space, it smashes up against a law that takes a higher priority in the hierarchy of laws, and that is that stuff can't occupy the same space as something else. This is why bullets kill people. But the bullet has to be going at a good rate of speed, because there is another law that says speed is more powerful than mass. We'll cover that later.
I'm not quite sure how to break this to you, so I'll just say it straight up. The Universe is trying to equalize itself. It's like a big wave that crashes against a rock and then bounces back the other way. All of the particles in the Universe are trying to fill up all the space, bounce against each other, fill up the space, bounce against each other until everything calms down and becomes a placid sea, like early in the morning when you can see the shore reflected in a perfect mirror.
And what, you may be wondering, effect does that have on us? Will our bodies become oozing, viscous gels that slide around like melting ice cream, and then move on to the next stage of becoming vapors floating away in the clouds? No. That's not going to happen. It's not going to happen because we're going to act now to take care of our planet.
Will you join me in saving the human race along with the rest of life on Earth? Or will you stick your head in the sand where your cell phone is there waiting for you to cast your vote on the next American Idol? It's up to you. It's up to me. We're at a turning point in history, where we stand on the precipice that makes our future for us and our children or we can turn into globules of jelly, floating for eternity in nothingness.
"What does it take?" you have a right to ask. "How can I help save us all?" I'll tell you. One dollar. If you each just send me one dollar, I'll have enough to build my spaceship, and it will be big enough for all of us! We will jettison to a different Universe, where they don't have any stupid laws and Phyllis won't abhor a vacuum.
Monday, September 13, 2010
There's No Such Thing as a Stupid Question...Phyllis
If you work for a living, that is you go to a job and have a boss and co-workers, you have to have a rich inner life. If you don’t, you’ll end up just being successful, well-off, and satisfied. I sneak a little bit of myself in to the office with me, though. Just enough to torture myself and the people around me.
My monthly one-on-one appraisals go something like this:
Boss: Phyllis, have you made any progress on the goals we talked about last month?
What I say: Oh, yes. I’m very pleased with my progress and I am very excited about this.
What I think: Nope
Boss: Have you given any thought about some of these items we talked over?
What I say: Yes, I’ve been keeping some notes and I’d like to show you what I have when I get them organized.
What I think: Nope
Boss: Do you have any suggestions on how we can improve our productivity?
What I say: I’ve given a lot of thought to this and I’ve been talking this over with some of the others and I think we have some pretty good ideas.
What I think: I wonder if you can blow bubbles with motor oil.
And here’s another instance where you have to suspend inner urges. After a meeting, they ask for questions. “Anyone? Anyone? There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”
Don’t believe that for a minute. As soon as they ask for questions, every moron in the room shoots his/her hand up.
“I know you said this, but here’s MY special circumstance. How does this apply to ME and MY special circumstance?”
Sit down and shut up!
“Well, I know exactly what you are saying, but can you repeat some of that for some of the others who might not get it?
I wish I had a slingshot.
“I, for one, am glad that we are finally coming down on people who aren’t doing THEIR job. I feel like I’m the ONLY one who follows procedure.”
Are you TRYING to make me vomit?
When the lights dim and the pie chart comes up on the big overhead screen, I nudge the people to the left and right of me, “Let’s not listen!” They scowl at me and sit up a little straighter in their chair and say, “Shhhhh!” And then I’m free to think about what I want to write about for my next day’s post.
My monthly one-on-one appraisals go something like this:
Boss: Phyllis, have you made any progress on the goals we talked about last month?
What I say: Oh, yes. I’m very pleased with my progress and I am very excited about this.
What I think: Nope
Boss: Have you given any thought about some of these items we talked over?
What I say: Yes, I’ve been keeping some notes and I’d like to show you what I have when I get them organized.
What I think: Nope
Boss: Do you have any suggestions on how we can improve our productivity?
What I say: I’ve given a lot of thought to this and I’ve been talking this over with some of the others and I think we have some pretty good ideas.
What I think: I wonder if you can blow bubbles with motor oil.
And here’s another instance where you have to suspend inner urges. After a meeting, they ask for questions. “Anyone? Anyone? There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”
Don’t believe that for a minute. As soon as they ask for questions, every moron in the room shoots his/her hand up.
“I know you said this, but here’s MY special circumstance. How does this apply to ME and MY special circumstance?”
Sit down and shut up!
“Well, I know exactly what you are saying, but can you repeat some of that for some of the others who might not get it?
I wish I had a slingshot.
“I, for one, am glad that we are finally coming down on people who aren’t doing THEIR job. I feel like I’m the ONLY one who follows procedure.”
Are you TRYING to make me vomit?
When the lights dim and the pie chart comes up on the big overhead screen, I nudge the people to the left and right of me, “Let’s not listen!” They scowl at me and sit up a little straighter in their chair and say, “Shhhhh!” And then I’m free to think about what I want to write about for my next day’s post.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Quantum Theory - Sue
I was thinking about matter and energy, and what they are exactly. I was thinking about how they are different and similar. I was also thinking about how two things cannot occupy the same place at the same time. The following are my conclusions.
I have always struggled with exactly what energy is. People throw the word around like confetti, pulling it out of a bag anytime they need a handy word to fill in a space. But do they really know what it is? Does anyone? Electricians talk about negative and positive particles and how they repel and attract. Doctors talk about energy levels in patients with hypoglycemia. Einstein said something about an object in motion wants to stay in motion, but I forget exactly how that goes.
We all know that matter has different forms, like solid, liquid and gas. I believe that energy, too, has solid, liquid and gas. But here is the thing. All of this matter that we see around us is actually energy in its solid form! I don't know what energy looks like when it is liquid or gaseous. Maybe that gets into the realm of telepathy or time travel.
What if you have different lifetimes that are all happening now, and what if every time you woke up, you were in a different lifetime? Have you ever thought about that? And then of course there is that whole create and destroy thing going on. One of the breakthroughs I made in quantum physics is that in truth, nothing is ever really destroyed. Things only change shape.
So, you can apply all of the properties of matter to energy. If you can crack the rule about two things not being able to occupy the same place at the same time, you can travel in time. All you have to do is move energy up into its liquid state, and BAM. You can be anywhere, anytime, and travel at will. Whoever thought up that rule was playing a cruel trick. Just think, for a moment, about all of the adverse effects you get from that. Ever stub your toe? It hurt, didn't it?
If we could dissect that rule, if we could crack the code, it wouldn't hurt anymore. Had we cracked the code nine years ago, those planes would have flown right through those towers, and people would have gone on with their business. That plane would have flown through the Pentagon and back up to altitude. That plane would have flown through the ground in Pennsylvania and back up into the clouds.
But we haven't evolved enough yet to crack the code, and we're still stubbing our toes and crashing. The next time I wake up, it may be in a life where none of those things hurt anymore. I will come back and tell you how the code was cracked, and we'll all have fun walking through walls. After that, we need to figure out how to eradicate country and western music.
I have always struggled with exactly what energy is. People throw the word around like confetti, pulling it out of a bag anytime they need a handy word to fill in a space. But do they really know what it is? Does anyone? Electricians talk about negative and positive particles and how they repel and attract. Doctors talk about energy levels in patients with hypoglycemia. Einstein said something about an object in motion wants to stay in motion, but I forget exactly how that goes.
We all know that matter has different forms, like solid, liquid and gas. I believe that energy, too, has solid, liquid and gas. But here is the thing. All of this matter that we see around us is actually energy in its solid form! I don't know what energy looks like when it is liquid or gaseous. Maybe that gets into the realm of telepathy or time travel.
What if you have different lifetimes that are all happening now, and what if every time you woke up, you were in a different lifetime? Have you ever thought about that? And then of course there is that whole create and destroy thing going on. One of the breakthroughs I made in quantum physics is that in truth, nothing is ever really destroyed. Things only change shape.
So, you can apply all of the properties of matter to energy. If you can crack the rule about two things not being able to occupy the same place at the same time, you can travel in time. All you have to do is move energy up into its liquid state, and BAM. You can be anywhere, anytime, and travel at will. Whoever thought up that rule was playing a cruel trick. Just think, for a moment, about all of the adverse effects you get from that. Ever stub your toe? It hurt, didn't it?
If we could dissect that rule, if we could crack the code, it wouldn't hurt anymore. Had we cracked the code nine years ago, those planes would have flown right through those towers, and people would have gone on with their business. That plane would have flown through the Pentagon and back up to altitude. That plane would have flown through the ground in Pennsylvania and back up into the clouds.
But we haven't evolved enough yet to crack the code, and we're still stubbing our toes and crashing. The next time I wake up, it may be in a life where none of those things hurt anymore. I will come back and tell you how the code was cracked, and we'll all have fun walking through walls. After that, we need to figure out how to eradicate country and western music.
Stairway to Heaven...Phyllis
Unless I learn to play Stairway to Heaven on my guitar in the next few months, my biggest accomplishment this year was learning to solve the Rubics Cube. I didn’t actually figure it out myself. I looked up the solution on the internet and printed it out- all seven pages. It took about a week to make sense out of it and to actually be able to do it. It took another while to memorize it. Once I did, I was ready to go public. I was as happy and self-satisfied as a Republican with a new gun.
Not everyone shared the immense admiration I had for myself, though. No one at work was very impressed.
Me: Jenny, I can solve this cube. Wanna see?
Jenny: Go away.
Me: Mark, I bet you don’t think I can solve this.
Mark: I’m busy. Go to hell.
Me: Cindy, wanna see how fast I can solve this Rubic’s Cube?
Cindy: Phyllis, if you come within ten feet of my desk again, I’m going to H.R.
Me: Ok. Well, do you want to see it from back here, then?
Cindy: Go fuck yourself!
I got better response at home from Sue, but the admiration diminished with each demonstration. First time, “Wow! That’s fantastic!” (Very satisfying). Second time, “Wow.” Third time, “Uh huh.” If I go for a forth, she might take out a restraining order on me.
I’ve been wanting to learn Stairway to Heaven for a long time and that’s a skill that won't be so annoying. With the solution to the Rubic’s Cube nestled safely in my noodle, I can give my full attention to this. So, yes. This will be my next project.
And next year, maybe I’ll learn to juggle.
Not everyone shared the immense admiration I had for myself, though. No one at work was very impressed.
Me: Jenny, I can solve this cube. Wanna see?
Jenny: Go away.
Me: Mark, I bet you don’t think I can solve this.
Mark: I’m busy. Go to hell.
Me: Cindy, wanna see how fast I can solve this Rubic’s Cube?
Cindy: Phyllis, if you come within ten feet of my desk again, I’m going to H.R.
Me: Ok. Well, do you want to see it from back here, then?
Cindy: Go fuck yourself!
I got better response at home from Sue, but the admiration diminished with each demonstration. First time, “Wow! That’s fantastic!” (Very satisfying). Second time, “Wow.” Third time, “Uh huh.” If I go for a forth, she might take out a restraining order on me.
I’ve been wanting to learn Stairway to Heaven for a long time and that’s a skill that won't be so annoying. With the solution to the Rubic’s Cube nestled safely in my noodle, I can give my full attention to this. So, yes. This will be my next project.
And next year, maybe I’ll learn to juggle.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Home Sweet Home - Sue
The trip home went off without a hitch until I got to Denver International. I needed eight dollars even Steven to board the bus for Stapleton where Phyllis had sworn to God Almighty she wouldn't forget to fetch me. I love her to Reese's pieces but dang it, she can be nearly as forgetful as me on occasion and it just tends to bust my butt.
I think I've picked up a few of my brother's metaphors after aggravating him for a few days. When I asked him how his shower was, he said that had he known a shower felt that good, he'd have taken one last week. When I startled him by speaking behind him when he thought I was upstairs, he said he could have gone all day without that. He said that Florida was a place full of old people and their parents. When we got ice cream cones in the heat and they were melting, and his "lady friend" told him he'd better hurry up and lick it, he asked her if that was an order. I could have gone all day without hearing an innuendo like that from my own brother. DOUBLE EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first ATM I tried said it couldn't read my card. I asked at the information booth where there might be another one, and the kind gentlemen said, as if he was in a speed talking contest, "Go under that down escalator to the right, around the corner to the left, make another right at the end of the concourse, take the up escalator to the United Baggage claim, when you see a statue of Mount Evans, keep going until you come to a T intersection. Go left until you see an elevator and go to the third floor. There's one right there. You can't miss it."
I managed to find it, dragging my suitcase and avoiding all of the other weary travelers dragging their suitcases and listening to the omniscient female voice telling me I could only carry a small quantity of gels on board. That ATM worked but then I had to get change so I bought a steak soft taco, found an empty table and took care of that.
Finally, luck was swinging my way. I had eight dollars even Steven and exited to where the Sky Ride picked up folks bound for Stapleton. And it had just pulled up! As I was inserting my dollars into the machine, the driver stepped out to load baggage. I wondered how he would have known whether I had actually paid the full eight dollars. The little machine did not spit out a ticket, and he never asked for one. But I am an honest traveler and did not regret the trouble I had suffered just to pay an honest eight dollars for my ride.
As the bus pulled up, sure enough, there was Phyllis sitting on a bench, waiting. Her head was down and I thought she might be asleep. I was hoping she might be too excited to see me and unable to fall asleep on a bus bench having only been there five minutes, but you never know about Phyllis. She can fall asleep faster than you can shake a gator's tail at water moccasin. Something like that.
Phyllis had her head down because of the gale force winds blowing dust into her face from the construction site. But did she go back to her car? No, she did not. She was there to greet me as I stepped off that bus, wiping mud off her mouth. It was great to be home!
I think I've picked up a few of my brother's metaphors after aggravating him for a few days. When I asked him how his shower was, he said that had he known a shower felt that good, he'd have taken one last week. When I startled him by speaking behind him when he thought I was upstairs, he said he could have gone all day without that. He said that Florida was a place full of old people and their parents. When we got ice cream cones in the heat and they were melting, and his "lady friend" told him he'd better hurry up and lick it, he asked her if that was an order. I could have gone all day without hearing an innuendo like that from my own brother. DOUBLE EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first ATM I tried said it couldn't read my card. I asked at the information booth where there might be another one, and the kind gentlemen said, as if he was in a speed talking contest, "Go under that down escalator to the right, around the corner to the left, make another right at the end of the concourse, take the up escalator to the United Baggage claim, when you see a statue of Mount Evans, keep going until you come to a T intersection. Go left until you see an elevator and go to the third floor. There's one right there. You can't miss it."
I managed to find it, dragging my suitcase and avoiding all of the other weary travelers dragging their suitcases and listening to the omniscient female voice telling me I could only carry a small quantity of gels on board. That ATM worked but then I had to get change so I bought a steak soft taco, found an empty table and took care of that.
Finally, luck was swinging my way. I had eight dollars even Steven and exited to where the Sky Ride picked up folks bound for Stapleton. And it had just pulled up! As I was inserting my dollars into the machine, the driver stepped out to load baggage. I wondered how he would have known whether I had actually paid the full eight dollars. The little machine did not spit out a ticket, and he never asked for one. But I am an honest traveler and did not regret the trouble I had suffered just to pay an honest eight dollars for my ride.
As the bus pulled up, sure enough, there was Phyllis sitting on a bench, waiting. Her head was down and I thought she might be asleep. I was hoping she might be too excited to see me and unable to fall asleep on a bus bench having only been there five minutes, but you never know about Phyllis. She can fall asleep faster than you can shake a gator's tail at water moccasin. Something like that.
Phyllis had her head down because of the gale force winds blowing dust into her face from the construction site. But did she go back to her car? No, she did not. She was there to greet me as I stepped off that bus, wiping mud off her mouth. It was great to be home!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I Can See Sue's Plane from Here!...Phyllis
Sue is on her way home from her vacation in Florida. I’m going to pick her up in a couple of hours. I discovered something. I Googled her flight number and I get a real time map of where the plane is right now! And right now, she is in the middle of Arkansas. It looks like it’s going to cut across the corner of Oklahoma then go up through Kansas. But I don’t know that for sure yet.
Right now she is at 34-42-00.0 N by 93-41-60.0 W. Speed is 466 mph. Oh, my God! That’s too fast! Altitude is 38,000 feet. Oh, my God! That’s too high! She is 683 miles away. Oh, my God! That’s too far!
Well, as I’m writing, she has left Arkansas and now is right over Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now, she’s only 503 miles away and I should probably start picking up all the money people were throwing at me for flashing my boobs at my little party last night.
I was right. She’s veering up into Kansas now. She’s 462 miles away now. I better do something with these empty kegs.
399 miles away. I better wake up the stripper and help her get the cake back into her car.
305 miles away. I better get these midgets out of here. Some of them want bus money.
286 miles away. I better sweep up the clay from the skeet shooting contest we had in the living room.
250 miles away. I better take the flagpole down. And get Sue’s underpants off it.
226 miles away. I better call a cab for these belly dancers.
210 miles away. I better help these bikers find their clothes and get them out of here…clean the bbq sauce off the ceiling…get the dishes off the roof…scrape the wax out of the bathtub…wash the red dye out of my hair…take the ‘stop here if you’re looking for a good time’ sign down…put the old lightbulb back in the porch lamp.
When Sue says, “What did you do while I was gone?” Pause. Don’t say, “Nothin’” too fast.
Right now she is at 34-42-00.0 N by 93-41-60.0 W. Speed is 466 mph. Oh, my God! That’s too fast! Altitude is 38,000 feet. Oh, my God! That’s too high! She is 683 miles away. Oh, my God! That’s too far!
Well, as I’m writing, she has left Arkansas and now is right over Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now, she’s only 503 miles away and I should probably start picking up all the money people were throwing at me for flashing my boobs at my little party last night.
I was right. She’s veering up into Kansas now. She’s 462 miles away now. I better do something with these empty kegs.
399 miles away. I better wake up the stripper and help her get the cake back into her car.
305 miles away. I better get these midgets out of here. Some of them want bus money.
286 miles away. I better sweep up the clay from the skeet shooting contest we had in the living room.
250 miles away. I better take the flagpole down. And get Sue’s underpants off it.
226 miles away. I better call a cab for these belly dancers.
210 miles away. I better help these bikers find their clothes and get them out of here…clean the bbq sauce off the ceiling…get the dishes off the roof…scrape the wax out of the bathtub…wash the red dye out of my hair…take the ‘stop here if you’re looking for a good time’ sign down…put the old lightbulb back in the porch lamp.
When Sue says, “What did you do while I was gone?” Pause. Don’t say, “Nothin’” too fast.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Glass Bottoms and Beer - Sue
Very amusing, Phyllis. The part about the cell phone, however, was completely inaccurate. While it appears that I lost my cell phone, I had, in fact, FORGOTTEN it at security, which, technically, isn't the same as losing it because I know where I left it.
Here is what we did yesterday... Went to this truck place where Bud's driver was getting ready to go pick up a load after unloading, and then I got a ride in the semi truck! Can you believe it? It was so cool! Bud's driver was going to go north on some interstate, and we were going to go north on the same interstate, so the driver drove Bud's SUV and Bud drove the semi while I rode as a passenger for about 30 miles on the interstate highway and then we pulled over at a rest stop.
Then we went to a place called Silver Springs. We took a glass bottom boat ride where we saw the springs coming out of the crystal clear water about 50 feet down. There were lots of pretty fish. There was even a wild gator on the shore!
Then we went on a Jeep ride through the park and saw some animals. They were zoo animals like llamas and stuff like that. Parts of it had pristine Florida jungle on both sides of the road. Then we walked back through the park and saw the grizzly bear and giraffe. Oh wait, before that we stopped in the gift shop and I got Phyllis a coffee cup (don't tell her) and a little helmet with a light on it for JJ. Walking back to the parking lot, it was hotter than a monkey's ass on a skillet.
We went to the grocery store and got some A1 sauce and potatoes. We came back to Bud's paradise sanctuary in the jungle, five acres cleared of swamp, and grilled steaks and taters and corn. Then I drank a beer and we watched a comedian on dvd, Jeff Dunham. The volume was up real loud. Bud asked if that was too loud but he couldn't hear my answer. Even though it was so loud, I couldn't keep my eyes open. His couch reclines and after sun, exercise, steak and beer, and being up since 4 in the morning, well you know what happened.
I do remember toddling off to bed and falling in, but nothing after that.
Here is what we did yesterday... Went to this truck place where Bud's driver was getting ready to go pick up a load after unloading, and then I got a ride in the semi truck! Can you believe it? It was so cool! Bud's driver was going to go north on some interstate, and we were going to go north on the same interstate, so the driver drove Bud's SUV and Bud drove the semi while I rode as a passenger for about 30 miles on the interstate highway and then we pulled over at a rest stop.
Then we went to a place called Silver Springs. We took a glass bottom boat ride where we saw the springs coming out of the crystal clear water about 50 feet down. There were lots of pretty fish. There was even a wild gator on the shore!
Then we went on a Jeep ride through the park and saw some animals. They were zoo animals like llamas and stuff like that. Parts of it had pristine Florida jungle on both sides of the road. Then we walked back through the park and saw the grizzly bear and giraffe. Oh wait, before that we stopped in the gift shop and I got Phyllis a coffee cup (don't tell her) and a little helmet with a light on it for JJ. Walking back to the parking lot, it was hotter than a monkey's ass on a skillet.
We went to the grocery store and got some A1 sauce and potatoes. We came back to Bud's paradise sanctuary in the jungle, five acres cleared of swamp, and grilled steaks and taters and corn. Then I drank a beer and we watched a comedian on dvd, Jeff Dunham. The volume was up real loud. Bud asked if that was too loud but he couldn't hear my answer. Even though it was so loud, I couldn't keep my eyes open. His couch reclines and after sun, exercise, steak and beer, and being up since 4 in the morning, well you know what happened.
I do remember toddling off to bed and falling in, but nothing after that.
Friday, September 3, 2010
The Lights are On and Somebody's Home...Phyllis
When I was little, my mom used to tie my lunch money into the corner of a handkerchief so I wouldn't loose it on my way to school. I resisted the urge to do that for Sue yesterday when she left, although I did call ahead to the airline and ask the a flight attendant keep an eye on her and make sure she got off in the right city.
It appears that I should have tied her cell phone into the corner of a hanky because she lost it at the airport! Sue...who is never without her phone, who always answers on the first ring, who has had the same phone number since man started walking upright...had to go to the ATT store and buy a new phone!
On the bright side, she has a new phone now and we have again established contact. However, I think it's going to be up to me to keep our blog current, unless she can tear herself away from boat rides, jumbo shrimp dinners and visiting brothers she rarely gets to see.
Sue can sit down and hammer out a thousand words without even getting drunk first. I can't do that. I'm sweating now. I have to write, rewrite, change my mind and write again. So have patience with me. Don't PUSH me! Don't tap your foot and roll your eyes at me! It doesn't come easy to me...words...words with letters.
So anyway, Oh! Look that the time! I have to get ready for work. I could have sat here for hours writing another sentence, but I must go. Talk to you soon, Sue! Dogs are fed, watered and happily laying around. Birds are fed and watered and chirping like little...uh...birds. The lights are on and somebody's home!
It appears that I should have tied her cell phone into the corner of a hanky because she lost it at the airport! Sue...who is never without her phone, who always answers on the first ring, who has had the same phone number since man started walking upright...had to go to the ATT store and buy a new phone!
On the bright side, she has a new phone now and we have again established contact. However, I think it's going to be up to me to keep our blog current, unless she can tear herself away from boat rides, jumbo shrimp dinners and visiting brothers she rarely gets to see.
Sue can sit down and hammer out a thousand words without even getting drunk first. I can't do that. I'm sweating now. I have to write, rewrite, change my mind and write again. So have patience with me. Don't PUSH me! Don't tap your foot and roll your eyes at me! It doesn't come easy to me...words...words with letters.
So anyway, Oh! Look that the time! I have to get ready for work. I could have sat here for hours writing another sentence, but I must go. Talk to you soon, Sue! Dogs are fed, watered and happily laying around. Birds are fed and watered and chirping like little...uh...birds. The lights are on and somebody's home!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Park N Kiss...Phyllis
Sue went to Florida today. She left me a list as long as my arm with instructions on how to feed the dogs. Lisle gets two thirds of the homemade food. Pete gets three fifths of what’s left of that and Mac gets the rest. Then they also get a can of commercially produced food. Lisle gets nine sixteenths of that, Pete gets two thirds of what’s left and Mac gets the remainder. Lisle gets the most because she’s a St. Bernard and bigger than the others. Mac gets the least because he’s loosing his figure. Make sure their water bucket has fresh water every day. The birds get water every morning, and stir their food to get the cracked hulls off the top of their bowl. Birds will starve to death because they eat the top layer of seeds and leave the cracked hulls. Then they think they don’t have any more food because they’re not smart enough to dig thru and find more good seeds. They also get some grass and parsley. Me? I get half a can of beans in the morning, a saucer of milk at noon, and a pork chop at night.
I took her up to the Skyline bus terminal where she will take the 30-minute ride to the airport. She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I told her she should take a jacket or something to cuddle up with for the 3-hour ride. She took her flannel shirt. She didn’t think she needed that since it’s going to be 75 degrees here in Denver and at least that warm in Florida.
The parking lot at the Park N Ride has a place called Park N Kiss where you can park free for 10 minutes and kiss. We kissed. Not for long, though because the bus came right away, the bus driver tossed Sue’s suitcase into the luggage compartment and she paid her fare, found a seat and sat down. Then she took her camera out and took some pictures of me standing outside looking at her. Then the bus pulled away. I watched it go down the street, then got in my car and came home.
I have the empty nest syndrome. There will be no one here to say, “Where’s my keys?” or “What’s for dinner?” or “Will you please get up on the roof and get the leaves out of the gutter?” or “Let’s go to bed and read.”
She’ll be back on Tuesday. Thank God!
I took her up to the Skyline bus terminal where she will take the 30-minute ride to the airport. She was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I told her she should take a jacket or something to cuddle up with for the 3-hour ride. She took her flannel shirt. She didn’t think she needed that since it’s going to be 75 degrees here in Denver and at least that warm in Florida.
The parking lot at the Park N Ride has a place called Park N Kiss where you can park free for 10 minutes and kiss. We kissed. Not for long, though because the bus came right away, the bus driver tossed Sue’s suitcase into the luggage compartment and she paid her fare, found a seat and sat down. Then she took her camera out and took some pictures of me standing outside looking at her. Then the bus pulled away. I watched it go down the street, then got in my car and came home.
I have the empty nest syndrome. There will be no one here to say, “Where’s my keys?” or “What’s for dinner?” or “Will you please get up on the roof and get the leaves out of the gutter?” or “Let’s go to bed and read.”
She’ll be back on Tuesday. Thank God!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Prep Work - Sue
I like to pack early, so I'm not in a rush at the last minute and forget something. That reminds me, I need to remember my toothbrush. It's always the things you use right up until the last minute that you are most likely to forget, like Christmas ornaments. (Joke).
I attached my ID labels to my carry on and hand bag. I tried on different pairs of shorts and decided which to pack. I want to make sure to wear something that doesn't make my butt look big. I'm taking the 200 mm lens and flash, though I may not use them. The carry on can't weigh more than 35 pounds. I weighed myself, then picked up the bag, and so far, it's only me plus 20 pounds, even with the 200 mm, which is quite heavy. I packed my plastic jar for getting some white sand. I downloaded five MP3 albums of piano and trumpet jazz to listen to on the plane, and I made sure I have enough reading material on my kindle.
I bought canned dog food so that Phyllis doesn't have to make rice and eggs for the dogs, to add to their frozen food that I make. Today, I'm going to get a haircut. Also later, when it's within 24 hours before my flight, I am going to print my boarding pass. Flying procedures have changed quite a bit since back in the day, when you needed a real ticket. Now, according to Daughter, you just need an ID. I hope to God she's right, or I'll be spending my vacation in stupid Denver, Colorado, where there aren't any glass bottom boats.
Little Brother and I are going to visit Older Brother, who doesn't know I'm coming. Older Brother is a retired state trooper, and frowns on drug use, so I think I'll leave my "medicinal" marijuana at home. I may get boat sick, but I can deal with that. It's the no smoking three and a half hour flight that could cause withdrawals, so I will bring my nicotine gum. If that doesn't work, I'll just take out the first person who greets me cordially. Someone has to pay for my discomfort, and Phyllis isn't going to be there.
I think I might see if Little Brother will go on a deep sea fishing excursion, and I will try to hook a sailfish. I can have it stuffed and shipped home, and surprise Phyllis with a new living room wall piece. It will be a memorable souvenir and an ice-breaker at our cocktail parties. It will be a "conversation piece," and I will regale our guests with the story of how it took me seven hours to reel it in. Maybe, instead, I'll catch a swordfish, and tell of how I got impaled and (obviously) lived to tell about it.
All in all, I'm sure it will be a great trip, and I hope I remember to bring a daily change of underwear. Little Brother has a washer and dryer, but I may be too tired to do laundry after all of that fishing. Also, if I see any water moccasins, I may need to change my underwear a lot.
I attached my ID labels to my carry on and hand bag. I tried on different pairs of shorts and decided which to pack. I want to make sure to wear something that doesn't make my butt look big. I'm taking the 200 mm lens and flash, though I may not use them. The carry on can't weigh more than 35 pounds. I weighed myself, then picked up the bag, and so far, it's only me plus 20 pounds, even with the 200 mm, which is quite heavy. I packed my plastic jar for getting some white sand. I downloaded five MP3 albums of piano and trumpet jazz to listen to on the plane, and I made sure I have enough reading material on my kindle.
I bought canned dog food so that Phyllis doesn't have to make rice and eggs for the dogs, to add to their frozen food that I make. Today, I'm going to get a haircut. Also later, when it's within 24 hours before my flight, I am going to print my boarding pass. Flying procedures have changed quite a bit since back in the day, when you needed a real ticket. Now, according to Daughter, you just need an ID. I hope to God she's right, or I'll be spending my vacation in stupid Denver, Colorado, where there aren't any glass bottom boats.
Little Brother and I are going to visit Older Brother, who doesn't know I'm coming. Older Brother is a retired state trooper, and frowns on drug use, so I think I'll leave my "medicinal" marijuana at home. I may get boat sick, but I can deal with that. It's the no smoking three and a half hour flight that could cause withdrawals, so I will bring my nicotine gum. If that doesn't work, I'll just take out the first person who greets me cordially. Someone has to pay for my discomfort, and Phyllis isn't going to be there.
I think I might see if Little Brother will go on a deep sea fishing excursion, and I will try to hook a sailfish. I can have it stuffed and shipped home, and surprise Phyllis with a new living room wall piece. It will be a memorable souvenir and an ice-breaker at our cocktail parties. It will be a "conversation piece," and I will regale our guests with the story of how it took me seven hours to reel it in. Maybe, instead, I'll catch a swordfish, and tell of how I got impaled and (obviously) lived to tell about it.
All in all, I'm sure it will be a great trip, and I hope I remember to bring a daily change of underwear. Little Brother has a washer and dryer, but I may be too tired to do laundry after all of that fishing. Also, if I see any water moccasins, I may need to change my underwear a lot.
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