Sue is on her way home from her vacation in Florida. I’m going to pick her up in a couple of hours. I discovered something. I Googled her flight number and I get a real time map of where the plane is right now! And right now, she is in the middle of Arkansas. It looks like it’s going to cut across the corner of Oklahoma then go up through Kansas. But I don’t know that for sure yet.
Right now she is at 34-42-00.0 N by 93-41-60.0 W. Speed is 466 mph. Oh, my God! That’s too fast! Altitude is 38,000 feet. Oh, my God! That’s too high! She is 683 miles away. Oh, my God! That’s too far!
Well, as I’m writing, she has left Arkansas and now is right over Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now, she’s only 503 miles away and I should probably start picking up all the money people were throwing at me for flashing my boobs at my little party last night.
I was right. She’s veering up into Kansas now. She’s 462 miles away now. I better do something with these empty kegs.
399 miles away. I better wake up the stripper and help her get the cake back into her car.
305 miles away. I better get these midgets out of here. Some of them want bus money.
286 miles away. I better sweep up the clay from the skeet shooting contest we had in the living room.
250 miles away. I better take the flagpole down. And get Sue’s underpants off it.
226 miles away. I better call a cab for these belly dancers.
210 miles away. I better help these bikers find their clothes and get them out of here…clean the bbq sauce off the ceiling…get the dishes off the roof…scrape the wax out of the bathtub…wash the red dye out of my hair…take the ‘stop here if you’re looking for a good time’ sign down…put the old lightbulb back in the porch lamp.
When Sue says, “What did you do while I was gone?” Pause. Don’t say, “Nothin’” too fast.
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