Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper...Phyllis

I got a catalog in the mail yesterday for products that “…help with baby… every step of the way”. I don’t know how I got on this list because my baby is 30 years old and as far as I know, he is potty trained. At least that’s what he’s been making me believe. It never occurred to me to wonder, but…well, I’ll call him today and ask.

The first few pages are full of costumes. I especially like the little bunting infant costumes where you can make your baby look like a worm or a chili pepper or a banana. Very cute. "Does pooky wooky hate mommy yet?" He will.

For toddlers there are ‘Where the Wild Things Are” monsters, “Wizard of OZ” witches and lions (there is no Dorothy). I wonder why. “Sesame Street” Big Bird and a piggy that doesn’t look quite as salacious as the ‘real’ Miss Piggy. One thing they all have in common: They are all plush and comfy and germ-free.

The plush and germ-free theme occurs throughout the catalog…even things that are supposed to be hard and full of germs. A diaper pail that is odor-free for example. It doesn’t even look like a pail. I would have liked one of those. Mine was really a pail that was filled with hot, sudsy water. After a month or so, that water was cold and mucky. My mom suggested I should change it every day. What!?! This one has a carbon filter and needs no ‘yucky plunging’. I’m going to barf.

There’s a bed-wetting sensor that you put in your kid’s pants hooked to wires that attach to their tummy. I don’t even want to think about what kind of behavior THAT could lead to. It’s supposed to cure bed-wetting in 2 weeks. If they continue to beg for the device long after they have stopped wetting, be very concerned. And keep them away from other children.

Then there is a portable pacifier sterilizer. Bet you can’t say that fast 3 times. So every time baby drops his binky, or throws it at you or throws it in a restaurant and it lands in a stranger’s plate, you don’t have to just wipe it off on your shirt and shove it back in his mug. You can have your portable pacifier sterilizer with you. At all times.

There’s a comfy, cushy (germ-free) potty seat that plays music. I want one of those. Ha! They say I never make suggestions at work. I have one, now. And there’s a battery-operated aspirator. Not that stupid blue bulb we used to use. This one has power. I would be afraid of this. It looks like it could suck your baby’s brains out.

This catalog is jam-packed with useful items and I would love to buy them, but I don’t need them, but if you have a baby and you live in a hard, germy house…you need this.