I got a catalog in the mail yesterday for products that “…help with baby… every step of the way”. I don’t know how I got on this list because my baby is 30 years old and as far as I know, he is potty trained. At least that’s what he’s been making me believe. It never occurred to me to wonder, but…well, I’ll call him today and ask.
The first few pages are full of costumes. I especially like the little bunting infant costumes where you can make your baby look like a worm or a chili pepper or a banana. Very cute. "Does pooky wooky hate mommy yet?" He will.
For toddlers there are ‘Where the Wild Things Are” monsters, “Wizard of OZ” witches and lions (there is no Dorothy). I wonder why. “Sesame Street” Big Bird and a piggy that doesn’t look quite as salacious as the ‘real’ Miss Piggy. One thing they all have in common: They are all plush and comfy and germ-free.
The plush and germ-free theme occurs throughout the catalog…even things that are supposed to be hard and full of germs. A diaper pail that is odor-free for example. It doesn’t even look like a pail. I would have liked one of those. Mine was really a pail that was filled with hot, sudsy water. After a month or so, that water was cold and mucky. My mom suggested I should change it every day. What!?! This one has a carbon filter and needs no ‘yucky plunging’. I’m going to barf.
There’s a bed-wetting sensor that you put in your kid’s pants hooked to wires that attach to their tummy. I don’t even want to think about what kind of behavior THAT could lead to. It’s supposed to cure bed-wetting in 2 weeks. If they continue to beg for the device long after they have stopped wetting, be very concerned. And keep them away from other children.
Then there is a portable pacifier sterilizer. Bet you can’t say that fast 3 times. So every time baby drops his binky, or throws it at you or throws it in a restaurant and it lands in a stranger’s plate, you don’t have to just wipe it off on your shirt and shove it back in his mug. You can have your portable pacifier sterilizer with you. At all times.
There’s a comfy, cushy (germ-free) potty seat that plays music. I want one of those. Ha! They say I never make suggestions at work. I have one, now. And there’s a battery-operated aspirator. Not that stupid blue bulb we used to use. This one has power. I would be afraid of this. It looks like it could suck your baby’s brains out.
This catalog is jam-packed with useful items and I would love to buy them, but I don’t need them, but if you have a baby and you live in a hard, germy house…you need this.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Capricious - Sue
My biggest accomplishment today wasn't discovering a cure for gingivitis or hitting a homer out of the park to win the World Series. I didn't even manage to see what is on TCM.
My biggest accomplishment was cleaning the shower curtain. "Sue," you may be thinking. "You need to set higher standards for yourself." But wait! This was no ordinary shower curtain cleaning. This was using my brand new McCullough Heavy Duty Steam Cleaner. No chemicals! Just steam hot enough to curl hair and annihilate any and all bacteria, scum, germs, crud and grunge. This shower curtain can now hold its own in the finest hotel in New York City. And that, Denizens of the Universe, is a clean shower curtain.
Our new neighbors moved in a couple of days ago. They have three dogs. One is an English Sheepdog, one an Australian Shepherd, and one is some kind of mid-sized, black Terrier. They bark a lot. I don't get much sleep that way. Hopefully, they will calm down as they become accustomed to their new home. When I take over the welcoming cake, I'm going to tell them if they don't keep their dogs quiet, I'm going to press charges. I'm going to get Denver's Finest involved and I'll see them in court. Not really. I haven't baked a cake in thirty years and I'm not about to start now.
I wish Micah had never sold that house. He worked for about a year renovating it. I wish we lived on about five acres, like my brother. I wish we had a Super Max Security Prison electric fence around the perimeter, with armed guards and video surveillance. I wish we had body guards and a swat team living on the roof. Instead, we have a Saint Bernard, a Border Collie and a... and Mac. They are much better about refraining from barking, even when incited by the new neighbors. When they were barking last evening, I took Lisle's leash and whacked it on the ground and they scattered like birds. They seemed to be thinking, "Shit, she really means it!"
After I steamed the shower curtain, I took Pete for a bike ride. I had been sweating, and it was quite cool out, and the breeze felt good. If I keep this bike riding up along with the steam cleaning, I may lose a little weight. I'm going to get buff. When those neighbor dogs bark, I'm going to get the step stool and look over the privacy fence at them. They'll think I'm ten feet tall, and ready to open my can of whup ass. They'll stop barking, and they slink away in terror. If I can annihilate shower curtain crud, I can certainly put a stop to this dog barking nonsense.
Tomorrow, I may break the world speed record over land on a unicycle, or I may see how many beebees I can stack in one column. You see, you just never know what I will come up with next. I may just bake a cake.
My biggest accomplishment was cleaning the shower curtain. "Sue," you may be thinking. "You need to set higher standards for yourself." But wait! This was no ordinary shower curtain cleaning. This was using my brand new McCullough Heavy Duty Steam Cleaner. No chemicals! Just steam hot enough to curl hair and annihilate any and all bacteria, scum, germs, crud and grunge. This shower curtain can now hold its own in the finest hotel in New York City. And that, Denizens of the Universe, is a clean shower curtain.
Our new neighbors moved in a couple of days ago. They have three dogs. One is an English Sheepdog, one an Australian Shepherd, and one is some kind of mid-sized, black Terrier. They bark a lot. I don't get much sleep that way. Hopefully, they will calm down as they become accustomed to their new home. When I take over the welcoming cake, I'm going to tell them if they don't keep their dogs quiet, I'm going to press charges. I'm going to get Denver's Finest involved and I'll see them in court. Not really. I haven't baked a cake in thirty years and I'm not about to start now.
I wish Micah had never sold that house. He worked for about a year renovating it. I wish we lived on about five acres, like my brother. I wish we had a Super Max Security Prison electric fence around the perimeter, with armed guards and video surveillance. I wish we had body guards and a swat team living on the roof. Instead, we have a Saint Bernard, a Border Collie and a... and Mac. They are much better about refraining from barking, even when incited by the new neighbors. When they were barking last evening, I took Lisle's leash and whacked it on the ground and they scattered like birds. They seemed to be thinking, "Shit, she really means it!"
After I steamed the shower curtain, I took Pete for a bike ride. I had been sweating, and it was quite cool out, and the breeze felt good. If I keep this bike riding up along with the steam cleaning, I may lose a little weight. I'm going to get buff. When those neighbor dogs bark, I'm going to get the step stool and look over the privacy fence at them. They'll think I'm ten feet tall, and ready to open my can of whup ass. They'll stop barking, and they slink away in terror. If I can annihilate shower curtain crud, I can certainly put a stop to this dog barking nonsense.
Tomorrow, I may break the world speed record over land on a unicycle, or I may see how many beebees I can stack in one column. You see, you just never know what I will come up with next. I may just bake a cake.
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