Head Wound - Sue

Yesterday morning, after steam cleaning my teeth, I heard a big bang outside and looked out to see a man laying over the hood of Phyllis's car. Several people stood near. A car was driving by slowly. I wondered whether he had been struck by a car. I walked out briskly and asked if he was alright. He was holding his head and bent over. The other people were asking him if he was okay, too.

He said he was okay. They also had three dogs with them. The young woman introduced herself as my new neighbor. I already forgot her name. Then the young man introduced his name and said he was my new neighbor, too. The woman looked at the other two people and said they were her parents, but they didn't look at me so I didn't say anything. Then the woman introduced me to her dogs. She said that the black Terrier looking dog belonged to her parents.

I asked what happened and the woman said she had closed the back hood on the car and didn't know her husband's head was in the way, so she closed it on his head. I asked again if there was anything I could do and then I felt stupid. Her mute parents were there. Couldn't they help?

So, that's how I met the new neighbors and their dogs. Those are the dogs who have been barking like caged kennel dogs and keeping me awake. But yesterday, I slept for nine hours! I didn't hear any barking at all. Maybe they were gone for the day. Lisle, Pete and Mac have been very good about not barking back at them. When I first went to bed, they were barking, but Lisle, Pete and Mac didn't bark. After I fell asleep, they never woke me up.

I didn't really steam clean my teeth. I steam cleaned the living room windows. I also did the ledge and one of the blinds. I thought maybe the steam cleaner would make cleaning the blinds easier, but it's still a pain in the buttocks. That doesn't mean I WON'T steam clean my teeth.

I wonder what else I can steam clean. The trash cans? The sun umbrella? Those dirty parakeets? They preen on a daily basis but you can't use harsh chemicals on a parakeet and if they want viruses eliminated then steam is the only option. The fireplace? I certainly don't want to start a fire in a dirty fireplace.

All you parakeet lovers, please don't write. I'm not really going to steam clean them, as long as they keep preening.

Maybe the oven could use a good steam cleaning. I can't stand baking dog food in a grungy oven. It just doesn't look pretty when I set in baking pans of raw pork, chicken and hamburger. Sure, it's going to get hot enough to kill germs, but I don't think I can feel comfortable washing ceilings if the oven has that crusty look. Or the neighbor's dogs. They looked a little scruffy yesterday, looking on as their master reeled from the head wound his wife inflicted.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper...Phyllis

I got a catalog in the mail yesterday for products that “…help with baby… every step of the way”. I don’t know how I got on this list because my baby is 30 years old and as far as I know, he is potty trained. At least that’s what he’s been making me believe. It never occurred to me to wonder, but…well, I’ll call him today and ask.

The first few pages are full of costumes. I especially like the little bunting infant costumes where you can make your baby look like a worm or a chili pepper or a banana. Very cute. "Does pooky wooky hate mommy yet?" He will.

For toddlers there are ‘Where the Wild Things Are” monsters, “Wizard of OZ” witches and lions (there is no Dorothy). I wonder why. “Sesame Street” Big Bird and a piggy that doesn’t look quite as salacious as the ‘real’ Miss Piggy. One thing they all have in common: They are all plush and comfy and germ-free.

The plush and germ-free theme occurs throughout the catalog…even things that are supposed to be hard and full of germs. A diaper pail that is odor-free for example. It doesn’t even look like a pail. I would have liked one of those. Mine was really a pail that was filled with hot, sudsy water. After a month or so, that water was cold and mucky. My mom suggested I should change it every day. What!?! This one has a carbon filter and needs no ‘yucky plunging’. I’m going to barf.

There’s a bed-wetting sensor that you put in your kid’s pants hooked to wires that attach to their tummy. I don’t even want to think about what kind of behavior THAT could lead to. It’s supposed to cure bed-wetting in 2 weeks. If they continue to beg for the device long after they have stopped wetting, be very concerned. And keep them away from other children.

Then there is a portable pacifier sterilizer. Bet you can’t say that fast 3 times. So every time baby drops his binky, or throws it at you or throws it in a restaurant and it lands in a stranger’s plate, you don’t have to just wipe it off on your shirt and shove it back in his mug. You can have your portable pacifier sterilizer with you. At all times.

There’s a comfy, cushy (germ-free) potty seat that plays music. I want one of those. Ha! They say I never make suggestions at work. I have one, now. And there’s a battery-operated aspirator. Not that stupid blue bulb we used to use. This one has power. I would be afraid of this. It looks like it could suck your baby’s brains out.

This catalog is jam-packed with useful items and I would love to buy them, but I don’t need them, but if you have a baby and you live in a hard, germy house…you need this.