I Can See Sue's Plane from Here!...Phyllis

Sue is on her way home from her vacation in Florida. I’m going to pick her up in a couple of hours. I discovered something. I Googled her flight number and I get a real time map of where the plane is right now! And right now, she is in the middle of Arkansas. It looks like it’s going to cut across the corner of Oklahoma then go up through Kansas. But I don’t know that for sure yet.

Right now she is at 34-42-00.0 N by 93-41-60.0 W. Speed is 466 mph. Oh, my God! That’s too fast! Altitude is 38,000 feet. Oh, my God! That’s too high! She is 683 miles away. Oh, my God! That’s too far!

Well, as I’m writing, she has left Arkansas and now is right over Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now, she’s only 503 miles away and I should probably start picking up all the money people were throwing at me for flashing my boobs at my little party last night.

I was right. She’s veering up into Kansas now. She’s 462 miles away now. I better do something with these empty kegs.

399 miles away. I better wake up the stripper and help her get the cake back into her car.

305 miles away. I better get these midgets out of here. Some of them want bus money.

286 miles away. I better sweep up the clay from the skeet shooting contest we had in the living room.

250 miles away. I better take the flagpole down. And get Sue’s underpants off it.

226 miles away. I better call a cab for these belly dancers.

210 miles away. I better help these bikers find their clothes and get them out of here…clean the bbq sauce off the ceiling…get the dishes off the roof…scrape the wax out of the bathtub…wash the red dye out of my hair…take the ‘stop here if you’re looking for a good time’ sign down…put the old lightbulb back in the porch lamp.

When Sue says, “What did you do while I was gone?” Pause. Don’t say, “Nothin’” too fast.

Glass Bottoms and Beer - Sue

Very amusing, Phyllis. The part about the cell phone, however, was completely inaccurate. While it appears that I lost my cell phone, I had, in fact, FORGOTTEN it at security, which, technically, isn't the same as losing it because I know where I left it.

Here is what we did yesterday... Went to this truck place where Bud's driver was getting ready to go pick up a load after unloading, and then I got a ride in the semi truck! Can you believe it? It was so cool! Bud's driver was going to go north on some interstate, and we were going to go north on the same interstate, so the driver drove Bud's SUV and Bud drove the semi while I rode as a passenger for about 30 miles on the interstate highway and then we pulled over at a rest stop.

Then we went to a place called Silver Springs. We took a glass bottom boat ride where we saw the springs coming out of the crystal clear water about 50 feet down. There were lots of pretty fish. There was even a wild gator on the shore!

Then we went on a Jeep ride through the park and saw some animals. They were zoo animals like llamas and stuff like that. Parts of it had pristine Florida jungle on both sides of the road. Then we walked back through the park and saw the grizzly bear and giraffe. Oh wait, before that we stopped in the gift shop and I got Phyllis a coffee cup (don't tell her) and a little helmet with a light on it for JJ. Walking back to the parking lot, it was hotter than a monkey's ass on a skillet.

We went to the grocery store and got some A1 sauce and potatoes. We came back to Bud's paradise sanctuary in the jungle, five acres cleared of swamp, and grilled steaks and taters and corn. Then I drank a beer and we watched a comedian on dvd, Jeff Dunham. The volume was up real loud. Bud asked if that was too loud but he couldn't hear my answer. Even though it was so loud, I couldn't keep my eyes open. His couch reclines and after sun, exercise, steak and beer, and being up since 4 in the morning, well you know what happened.

I do remember toddling off to bed and falling in, but nothing after that.