Over Achiever - Sue

Well, that's easy for you. You just sit down and play as easily as you breathe. It's like you were born with the circuits already there in your head, and all you have to do is flip a switch. Suddenly, you're up and down the keys with Tchaikovsky or Chopin or Brahms. You capture a full house who all adore you and it's like all you've done is step out of the way so the Steinway can play itself.

And your skating. You get out of the way there too so you can enrapture the crowds with your Lutz jump, quad rotation, inside Axel and upright spin. Your arms can't hold all of the long-stemmed roses thrown for you as you bow like a willow. If they only knew. You never even had to take a lesson.

And let's talk about the Doctor scientiarum agrariarum you received from Tulane, after winning a full scholarship by shoveling more cow manure than anyone in your high school agriculture class. Now that was an achievement! Step out of the way when you're cleaning the barn, because the you know what isn't just going to hit the fan, it's going rocket propelled out to the spreader.

You must be thinking I'm jealous. I've had to struggle and study hard and overcome obstacles just to learn how to apply the clown makeup. I'm still not over that time I got gored by the Brahma bull, but I'm finally off the ventilator. The rodeo life isn't an easy one, but at least it's more normal than the FREAK life you live. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I've stood on the sideline while you received the medals and the adulation. But I'm not jealous. Because I've got something you'll never have. No matter how many switches you pull or how much you get out of the way, there is one thing that you'll never have and that I will always have. If anyone has been jealous, it's you. You know what it is, and it's just about killing you because you'll never have it.

Let's just say it outright. Let's just get it out in the open. What I've got that you'll never have is a little thing I like to call NORMAL. You don't know what that is, do you? You've never known but you'll always wonder. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Sue Deutscher, you're normal!" and no one anywhere is going to dispute me. You, on the other hand, are so far from normal you have to pack for a week just to see it from the outside!

So the next time you win the Kentucky Derby on a 40 to 1 long shot, and then you go on to win the America's Cup Sailboat Race and deliver fresh drinking water to starving children in Chad, remember this: the only normal part of you is that birth mark you've got on your right butt cheek. You really should have that removed.

The Vending Machine...Phyllis

At my desk I sit engaged in work bromidic, feeling caged.
My lunch nearby, I eat a bit and soon I'm wanting more.
Restless, fidgeting, chafing, fussing, suddenly there comes a light.
A light not seen, but in my mind abhor
Stay away from the vending machine door,
The vending machine with snacks galore.

My steel resolve I begin to doubt, I bite my nails and think about
Cookies, candy, chips and cake galore,
The snacks displayed upon the shelf, I silently reprimand myself,
"Stay away from the light of the vending door"!
"Keep your money in your pocket", to myself I implore.
It's a candy store and nothing more.

My duties I am shirking now, obsessed and yet I disavow
My inner voice that says "Come! Come and get some more"!
This compulsion, this monkey on my back that so desperately wants a snack,
No! Stay away from the vending machine door!
It's tricking you. It's just a door with snacks behind it. Nothing more.
Open! Open, vending machine door!

O! Vending machine, it's you I blame for this appetite I cannot tame!
I can't resist this candy store. I cannot fight you anymore.
My fifty cents I'm going to spend. I can't prevent or refuse it.
I'll break my back to get a snack, you snack-vending whore!
In goes my money. Out comes a cake, a cake from the open door.
I promise now, a solemn vow, till next time, nevermore.