Angel Falls

I want to be an intrepid explorer.

The day after Phyllis melted a pound of butter on the stove, I was looking at photos of Canyonlands National Park, Utah, on flickr. If you're going to review places to visit, you have to do your research. There is one photo of a group of bicyclists standing on a cliff, and they are all smiling. They are set against a backdrop of Pawnee Buttes times a thousand.

This morning, I'm having four large, raw carrots and I'm dipping them in dill veggie-dip. The dip smacks of a zesty tang, and gives the carrots that all important zip that you just can't get from crunching carrots alone. Phyllis said orange vegetables have lots of Vitamin A. Or was it D. Whatever. Sometimes I feel like cooking, but only when I'm not busy researching places to visit. Yesterday, Phyllis and I made omelets. I did the chopping, and Phyllis did the frying. I chopped fresh, whole mushrooms, onions, pepperchini, and peppers from the garden. I had been more than willing to also cut up tomatoes, but Phyllis doesn't like soft, cooked tomatoes. I had bought the fresh, whole mushrooms, along with a four dollar box of fancy breaded crumbs to fry breaded mushrooms, but then Phyllis melted the pound of butter on the stove. It's just as well because I lost the four dollar box of fancy breaded crumbs.

We also put cheese and ham in the omelets. The cheese was from a jar of Tostitos corn dip cheese, and the ham was from what Phyllis had baked the day before, when the butter melted. I had taken the butter out of the freezer intending to use it for the fried, breaded mushrooms, and set it on the stove to defrost. Then Phyllis baked a ham. It was a good-sized, hefty hog's butt, so it took a few hours to bake. Phyllis spiced up the omelets and I'm telling you, I knew I was eating something. I've never had an omelet that came even within a mile of the quality of that omelet. I also had some cottage cheese on the side, but Phyllis skipped the cottage cheese for herself. She also said she couldn't finish her whole omelet, but I made short work of mine, despite the fact that it covered three-quarters of my plate.

There is another national park in Utah called "Arches," so named due to the numerous arch-like rock formations. There is one photo on flickr called, "Waiting for sunset at Delicate Arch." As the shot is taken looking left, I counted 64 photographers in a double row in what looks to be about a fifty foot stretch, packed in like dancers in a chorus line. I can't see how many there are if looking to the right, or how far that line extends.

If I'm going to write travel essays, I need to go somewhere that is hard to reach. Otherwise, heck, go there yourself and see it. One of my goals is to reach Angel Falls in Venezuela. If I make it to Angel Falls, I'm telling you, I'll know I am an intrepid explorer.

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!...Phyllis

Know what really bunches up my bloomers? People who use clichés. When it comes to clichés, let's call a spade a spade. Come hell or high water, people, will you wake up and smell the coffee? Cliches are as useful as a screen door in a submarine and for me, they go over like a lead balloon. Some people will use a cliché at the drop of a hat. And to those people, I have an ax to grind. At the end of the day, you sow what you reap.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse. I don’t want to throw cold water while someone else blows smoke. What it boils down to is that I have a bone to pick. People who use clichés are just passing the buck. If you give them a penny for their thoughts, all you will get is a cliché. Well, a penny saved is a penny earned, I always say. It really pushes my buttons and I wish they would stop picking the low-hanging fruit.

That is why I am taking the bull by the horns. It takes a toll on you after awhile when all you hear are clichés. Well, there’s no time like the present and there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Things aren’t what they used to be, I can tell you that. People need to learn to think outside the box, is what they need to do.

Actions speak louder than words and clichés are piss-poor attempts to pull your leg. An idle mind is the devil’s playground and if those people would just put their money where their mouth is, I could let bygones be bygones. Really, people: The lights are on, but nobody’s home! Hello!

Say what you will, these people are really scraping the bottom of the barrel. I’m not one who sees the glass as half empty, but I can see which way the winds blow. My advice is to shape up or ship out. If you are tempted to over use clichés, stop and think. Then stick a fork in it. Tell it like it is, don’t sugarcoat it. It’s a no-brainer, so just nip it in the bud.

Now, I’m not the brightest crayon in the box and I’m nothing to write home about, but I know better than to rely on clichés to get my point across. I think we can all see the 800 pound gorilla in the room. You might think the ends justify the means, but right off the top of my head, my advice is this: If you’re going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk.

So, I’ll leave you with something to chew on: If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Someday, you’ll thank me for this.